I'll just say it- I feel horrible about my body. I've been eating too much. Kinda' drinking too much. Exercise fell by the wayside in the last few months with Carnival Season. I'm possibly my heaviest ever, and I fell SHITTY. I am embarrassed by my own naked body. Fuck that. Time to change. Also, time to not give a shit about men and continue to focus on MYSELF, because my well-being should come first. No more OK Cupid. No more seeking out dates. Focus on me and all positive things in my life. So, I'm writing my goals down here to help me keep focused. This is a work in progress and may change accordingly.
5 Goals to health:
1. Exercise at least 3 times/week, hopefully 4. Schedule it in my calendar. Phase it in.
Immediate: Run a minimum of 2 times/week. Toning exercises once or twice. Yoga once. Stretch daily for 5 minutes. Ride my bike to work when I can.
May 1: Start doing daily core and stretching exercises. Find a comfortable place to set up in my house.
2. Meditate.
Immediate: Meditate at least 3 times per week for 15 minutes.
May 1: Meditate at least 5 times per week at 15 minutes.
June 1: Meditate daily for 15 minutes.
3. Eat properly.
Stop snacking between meals/snacks and out of boredom and routine.
Don't drink my calories.
No added sugar or sweets for at LEAST 2 weeks (April 7).
Measure my portions.
Eat SLOWER and mindfully.
Use My Fitness Pal. 1500 kcal per day, doesn't count exercise. Wine/alcohol only if it fits within my budget.
One cheat day per week, unless a special occasion.
4. Drink water and tea. If I feel hungry, drink at least 12 oz. of water first.
5. Weight goals: lose 2 pounds per week until I get down to 130 lb.
Next... financial health plan.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Here we go again.
It's been a kinda' crazy few months... Sadness mixed with euphoria and confusion.
First, I lost my dog. Ultimately, his kidneys failed; he was only 3 years old. He was sickly since I first got him, and I did my best to make him healthy and comfortable, but it was just beyond my control. It was, and continues to be, really sad and hard on me. It is also difficult as I got stuck with massive medical bills from this and his previous visits, which I'll be paying for months to come.
As that was happening, I was meeting a new man and falling hard. He helped me cope with Tchoups' loss and gave me something positive to focus on, for which I was incredibly thankful. He seemed amazing, to have all the qualities I want in a man and never seem to find, and he liked me too; almost too good to be true.
Fast forward 3 months. Not long in the time spectrum, but I think I've fallen in love with this man. Too good to be true? Yeah, most likely. Likely breaking up right now, but I'm just waiting while he sorts his thoughts. Heart aching and breaking. Can't sleep, can't eat, feel horrible. Here we go again. Breaking up is hard to do, and being rejected is a terrible blow to one's self-esteem.
I don't want to go down this path again. I want to be stronger and not let my self-worth be determined by others. I want to sleep. I want to be happy. I want to be in control of myself.
I am feeling the loss of Tchoups more now that I don't have a distraction, or a dog to focus on or cuddle with during my sadness. I miss him so much. Doubled with the (potential) breakup and hurt I'm feeling, I am having a hard time. I'm sad and feel alone. I have a wretched feeling I can't get to go away in the pit of my stomach.
But this time I am going to learn from my mistakes. I will not allow this to draw out. I will not let my emotions control me, but instead let them take their course and deal with it. I will cut contact completely if we break up. If we don't break up, I will not allow myself to be sold short or walked all over. I will take control of this situation and myself, no matter how much it sucks, because I need to love myself above anyone else.
Other things I will do:
I will continue to exercise, and even do so more.
I will study for my RD exam.
I will excel at work.
I will seek out new friends with healthy lifestyles.
I will finally get my bedroom livable and organized.
I will work on meditation again.
I will live my life one day at a time and not look back or dwell.
I will work on paying my debt, and eventually get a new dog.
First, I lost my dog. Ultimately, his kidneys failed; he was only 3 years old. He was sickly since I first got him, and I did my best to make him healthy and comfortable, but it was just beyond my control. It was, and continues to be, really sad and hard on me. It is also difficult as I got stuck with massive medical bills from this and his previous visits, which I'll be paying for months to come.
As that was happening, I was meeting a new man and falling hard. He helped me cope with Tchoups' loss and gave me something positive to focus on, for which I was incredibly thankful. He seemed amazing, to have all the qualities I want in a man and never seem to find, and he liked me too; almost too good to be true.
Fast forward 3 months. Not long in the time spectrum, but I think I've fallen in love with this man. Too good to be true? Yeah, most likely. Likely breaking up right now, but I'm just waiting while he sorts his thoughts. Heart aching and breaking. Can't sleep, can't eat, feel horrible. Here we go again. Breaking up is hard to do, and being rejected is a terrible blow to one's self-esteem.
I don't want to go down this path again. I want to be stronger and not let my self-worth be determined by others. I want to sleep. I want to be happy. I want to be in control of myself.
I am feeling the loss of Tchoups more now that I don't have a distraction, or a dog to focus on or cuddle with during my sadness. I miss him so much. Doubled with the (potential) breakup and hurt I'm feeling, I am having a hard time. I'm sad and feel alone. I have a wretched feeling I can't get to go away in the pit of my stomach.
But this time I am going to learn from my mistakes. I will not allow this to draw out. I will not let my emotions control me, but instead let them take their course and deal with it. I will cut contact completely if we break up. If we don't break up, I will not allow myself to be sold short or walked all over. I will take control of this situation and myself, no matter how much it sucks, because I need to love myself above anyone else.
Other things I will do:
I will continue to exercise, and even do so more.
I will study for my RD exam.
I will excel at work.
I will seek out new friends with healthy lifestyles.
I will finally get my bedroom livable and organized.
I will work on meditation again.
I will live my life one day at a time and not look back or dwell.
I will work on paying my debt, and eventually get a new dog.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
30 & Lonely
Yet another one bites the dust... Today marks the end of another relationship; a man I care deeply for, but it is not our time, nor do I know if it will ever be. We have marked differences, and they definitely put strain on our relationship, yet I still enjoyed the time of laughing, of sharing, of being cared for and about. Someone to sleep next to, to cuddle, to help me when I need it. Someone to lean on... God, that is so nice.
So even though I know this is for the better, here I am crying over the loss and heartache. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to brush off my feelings, to accept it for what it is and move on. But no, it still stings. I feel. I can't help it.
I am almost 31 and as single as they come. I feel like I am becoming part of the never-ending dating pool. Everyone around me is in love, married, with kids, yet I have yet to find Mr. Right. How does a 30-year-old perfectly eligible single woman get to this point? What sets me apart from all those others finding their happily-ever-after? Am I doing something wrong?
Of course, that's a rhetorical question, although it does seem unfair at times. Some people from the outside may assume that I choose this lifestyle. And while I can get along pretty well as a single woman, and even exude confidence and embrace my independence, I would prefer the alternative. I am ready for a lasting relationship and to consider a family. I am ready to love someone fully, to be loved back, and to share our life's ups and downs with each other. I yearn for that.
But, I also want it to be right. I don't want to settle for Mr. Okay. I don't expect perfection, but I have some basic needs I would like fulfilled and to be with someone who I get along with at least 80% of the time. I also want some spark between us. I want to stick with this person, through thick and thin. I want it to last. As I get older, I more-and-more doubt this person exists. The man I am looking for is surely already taken, in love and happy somewhere else. Or, not near me. I may never meet this man, as timing is everything, and to this day it has not been on my side.
There's also a pressure as you are in your thirties of a family. What if I do want a family? My biological clock is ticking. It could be years, if ever, before I meet this person, and it may be too late. I'm not even positive I want that, but I might, and I want the option, ya' know?
There's really not a point to this blog except to get it off my chest. I am 30, I am lonely, and I am not feeling so hopeful. I know the right thing to do is to keep concentrating on myself, and I am trying, but no matter what that nagging feeling of emptiness, like something/someone is missing from my life, is constantly showing it's face no matter how much I try to deny it.
Oh well. Life will continue, with or without a companion. At least there's Tchoups, my furry four-legged companion!
So even though I know this is for the better, here I am crying over the loss and heartache. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to brush off my feelings, to accept it for what it is and move on. But no, it still stings. I feel. I can't help it.
I am almost 31 and as single as they come. I feel like I am becoming part of the never-ending dating pool. Everyone around me is in love, married, with kids, yet I have yet to find Mr. Right. How does a 30-year-old perfectly eligible single woman get to this point? What sets me apart from all those others finding their happily-ever-after? Am I doing something wrong?
Of course, that's a rhetorical question, although it does seem unfair at times. Some people from the outside may assume that I choose this lifestyle. And while I can get along pretty well as a single woman, and even exude confidence and embrace my independence, I would prefer the alternative. I am ready for a lasting relationship and to consider a family. I am ready to love someone fully, to be loved back, and to share our life's ups and downs with each other. I yearn for that.
But, I also want it to be right. I don't want to settle for Mr. Okay. I don't expect perfection, but I have some basic needs I would like fulfilled and to be with someone who I get along with at least 80% of the time. I also want some spark between us. I want to stick with this person, through thick and thin. I want it to last. As I get older, I more-and-more doubt this person exists. The man I am looking for is surely already taken, in love and happy somewhere else. Or, not near me. I may never meet this man, as timing is everything, and to this day it has not been on my side.
There's also a pressure as you are in your thirties of a family. What if I do want a family? My biological clock is ticking. It could be years, if ever, before I meet this person, and it may be too late. I'm not even positive I want that, but I might, and I want the option, ya' know?
There's really not a point to this blog except to get it off my chest. I am 30, I am lonely, and I am not feeling so hopeful. I know the right thing to do is to keep concentrating on myself, and I am trying, but no matter what that nagging feeling of emptiness, like something/someone is missing from my life, is constantly showing it's face no matter how much I try to deny it.
Oh well. Life will continue, with or without a companion. At least there's Tchoups, my furry four-legged companion!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
A refresher course
Wow, it has been a while. Life has changed (when does it not?), but some things have stayed the same, almost to a fault. Unfortunately, I have found myself falling back on old habits and losing good ones, so I am hoping with the new year I can shift toward a new perspective in the direction of the life I want to lead.
I am lonely. I crave someone to wake up to, someone to hold, someone to be there for me on my really good, or really bad, days. I would love to have someone to love... but on that note, not just anyone to love. I want to meet someone that balances me out, a companion; hopefully a lifelong partner. I am 30 and single, albeit dating, but have not found that person I "click" with yet.
In the past year, I've been re-evaluating how exactly it is I've fallen into past relationships, and it's certainly affected my outlook on the future. You see, growing up, it was all based purely on attraction. There was no thought process as to if this person was right for me or not, and part of that is because I didn't KNOW what was right for me. I mean, I was still learning about myself, after all. But, thanks to those relationships and growing up, I think I've carved out a fairly good picture of what I think I need, or don't need, in a future relationship in order to be successful. No surprise, I made a list. Ha.
Things I want in a man
- Considerate
- Fun/funny
- Responsible
- Active/likes to go out and do stuff
- Makes me feel special; does and says nice things
- Likes food and open to trying new things
- Respects me and my opinion
- Appreciates culture
- Has a steady job; hard-working; not a mooch
- Has a positive outlook on life
- Generally- brings out the best in me
I guess the biggest difference between the Leah of now and the Leah of the past is that I refuse to react purely on emotion and attraction anymore. If you can't meet my core needs, then I'm sorry- I must move on. Of course, I'm not looking for any specific mold of a person and I do not expect perfection. I just want to be with someone that makes me happy and brings out the best of me, and I the same to them! If your idea of happiness is sitting on the couch and watching movies almost every day, then I will not be happy. If you cannot appreciate food, I will not be happy, because I need someone to share that huge part of my life with. If you don't make me feel good about myself, then I will not be happy, and in return, you will probably not be happy.
The other difference now is that I won't immediately dismiss the idea of a relationship if I don't feel immediate chemistry if they seem like a good fit. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I like the idea that if two people fit into the mold of a good partnership, that perhaps a love can grow out of that. I've heard it has happened to others, but this is a new concept to me. I'm willing to give it a try, although I admit I am weary. I am actually dating a guy like this now. He is perfect for me on so many levels and I really enjoy our time together, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I am trying, though.
Besides the love front, I've fallen off the meditation/yoga bandwagon. The result= an over-thinking, stressified, tense mess-of-a-Leah. Maybe not to the naked eye, but I certainly notice the difference. I've also been drinking more than I care to admit. These things I need to change.
I I haven't met as many people (read: friends I can call on a whim, people to vent to, hang out with, etc) as I would have liked, but largely this is because I was dating a somewhat anti-social man for almost half of my time here, which definitely had an effect. It's since been improving, so I hope to continue down that path.
On a positive note, I'm signed up for classes in January! I'm taking Spanish, which aligns with my lifelong goal of speaking it fluently. I am super excited, but I also realize this will require me to make some adjustments in my life to allow for more time to study and concentrate, especially with how crazy my work schedule will be then. I'm hoping this is a good thing and will help me find the balance I'm looking for, while cutting down on the drinking.
I'll keep it at this for now... With the holidays here, that damn loneliness seems to keep showing its face and I felt the need to get some of it out. Perhaps I'll do a nice New Years blog! Until then, may warmth and peace find you this holiday season!
B
Monday, April 16, 2012
Better Late Than Never!
Oi... it's been a while. Over a year, actually. That's a little disappointing! Oh well, shows how busy I've been. Lots of changes have happened. Let's rehash out the last year, in a nutshell... Took "me" time. Made lots of strides! Learned to meditate, did yoga, worked on a farm and managed a farmers market, got happy again! Moved five times (man, that was exhausting). Dated like a fiend. Stopped dating at all. Started dating again and found a boyfriend. Got a job in New Orleans. Moved for said job. Said relationship failed as a result... And now, I've been in NOLA for about a month and a half, working my job, hanging out with my BFF, trying to get healthy and find a new balance in life. Whew.
Since it's been a while, I think I'll first take a moment to reflect upon the 2011 goals I made for myself (remember those?) and see what I accomplished:
Leah's 2011 Goals:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while. Yep, I think I did a pretty good job of this. I found happiness, so I think that is a pretty good indicator!
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind. I was doing great! Then the end of the year, job instability and moving occurred... Hello, more debt. :/
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly. WAS doing great. Now, not so much... Fell off the bandwagon last fall. Haven't found a yoga studio I really like here, although I have gone on multiple occassions. Working on the meditation piece. It was a good addition to my life.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them! I hope I did a good job of this... I really do love and miss my friends and family!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end. I definitely got rid of a lot of baggage by doing this... so even though this is a constant struggle, I think I have been quite successful! I will continue this; it's a good reminder.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to. My self-confidence really improved this last year as a result of all my hard work. I think I've done a lot, but self-improvement is always at the forefront of my mind.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again. Not too successful here... Although swing lessons are looking like more of a reality here in NOLA! I did go once!
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more. I was... and fell off the bandwagon. Need to pick that back up. Oi.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;) Did it! Worked on a farm!! And so happy I did. Now onto my career!!
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair. Still a work in progress...
Overall, how did I do? Pretty good, I suppose... I met a lot of my goals, a lot are ongoing and a lot I fell off the bandwagon. This is a good reminder for me, though.
Now an update on my life, in general. Well, moving to New Orleans has definitely been a huge adjustment. The job, lifestyle, the lack of familiar faces (with the exception of my now-reunited BFF and her fiance), new climate, living alone FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER, new car-- all really big changes! All-in-all, things are good. Just different. I do miss my friends and RI a lot. I feel lonely sometimes (today is one of those days). Lonely in the sense of missing my friends, and lonely in the sense that I wouldn't mind having someone to share my life with. I mean, I'm almost 30 and single. I know a lot of us are in that boat, but I just can't help but reflect. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the right person, at the right time... I really would like to. The prospect of another long term (hopefully life-long) relationship is something I'm into more and more these days, I won't lie...
In the meantime, though, I am still working on me, enjoying my life whether it be alone or not. Let's be honest- there's a possibility that all of us will die alone. That could be me. Not to sound morbid, because that's really not my point. My point is that all that I can control is MY life, so I need to continue to concentrate on that instead of the what and when-ifs.
Okay, enough on the relationship front. In other news, I still have a constant struggle finding balance in life. There is just not enough time in the day to accomplish all of the things I want to! I am, however, putting in a LOT more time on physically taking care of myself. I'm exercising fairly regularly and have lost over 5 pounds! It feels really great. Hoping to keep this trend going!
New Orleans is fun and I'm slowly starting to meet more people and expand my circle of friends, but it is going to take a while. Work is good, also. I am still really happy at my decision to move here and take the job. Things are behind in building the kitchen and I don't have an office which is a little annoying, but I am dealing with it and forging ahead!
I know this post is extremely vague, but I hope to continue on my blogging trend again soon with more specifics. Today I was just feeling the need to vent a little and have been reflecting on my changes, so it was necessary, vague or not. At least this is a start. :) I hope you are all well and if you are reading this, chances are I miss you dearly!
xoxo,
Leah
Since it's been a while, I think I'll first take a moment to reflect upon the 2011 goals I made for myself (remember those?) and see what I accomplished:
Leah's 2011 Goals:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while. Yep, I think I did a pretty good job of this. I found happiness, so I think that is a pretty good indicator!
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind. I was doing great! Then the end of the year, job instability and moving occurred... Hello, more debt. :/
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly. WAS doing great. Now, not so much... Fell off the bandwagon last fall. Haven't found a yoga studio I really like here, although I have gone on multiple occassions. Working on the meditation piece. It was a good addition to my life.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them! I hope I did a good job of this... I really do love and miss my friends and family!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end. I definitely got rid of a lot of baggage by doing this... so even though this is a constant struggle, I think I have been quite successful! I will continue this; it's a good reminder.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to. My self-confidence really improved this last year as a result of all my hard work. I think I've done a lot, but self-improvement is always at the forefront of my mind.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again. Not too successful here... Although swing lessons are looking like more of a reality here in NOLA! I did go once!
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more. I was... and fell off the bandwagon. Need to pick that back up. Oi.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;) Did it! Worked on a farm!! And so happy I did. Now onto my career!!
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair. Still a work in progress...
Overall, how did I do? Pretty good, I suppose... I met a lot of my goals, a lot are ongoing and a lot I fell off the bandwagon. This is a good reminder for me, though.
Now an update on my life, in general. Well, moving to New Orleans has definitely been a huge adjustment. The job, lifestyle, the lack of familiar faces (with the exception of my now-reunited BFF and her fiance), new climate, living alone FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER, new car-- all really big changes! All-in-all, things are good. Just different. I do miss my friends and RI a lot. I feel lonely sometimes (today is one of those days). Lonely in the sense of missing my friends, and lonely in the sense that I wouldn't mind having someone to share my life with. I mean, I'm almost 30 and single. I know a lot of us are in that boat, but I just can't help but reflect. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the right person, at the right time... I really would like to. The prospect of another long term (hopefully life-long) relationship is something I'm into more and more these days, I won't lie...
In the meantime, though, I am still working on me, enjoying my life whether it be alone or not. Let's be honest- there's a possibility that all of us will die alone. That could be me. Not to sound morbid, because that's really not my point. My point is that all that I can control is MY life, so I need to continue to concentrate on that instead of the what and when-ifs.
Okay, enough on the relationship front. In other news, I still have a constant struggle finding balance in life. There is just not enough time in the day to accomplish all of the things I want to! I am, however, putting in a LOT more time on physically taking care of myself. I'm exercising fairly regularly and have lost over 5 pounds! It feels really great. Hoping to keep this trend going!
New Orleans is fun and I'm slowly starting to meet more people and expand my circle of friends, but it is going to take a while. Work is good, also. I am still really happy at my decision to move here and take the job. Things are behind in building the kitchen and I don't have an office which is a little annoying, but I am dealing with it and forging ahead!
I know this post is extremely vague, but I hope to continue on my blogging trend again soon with more specifics. Today I was just feeling the need to vent a little and have been reflecting on my changes, so it was necessary, vague or not. At least this is a start. :) I hope you are all well and if you are reading this, chances are I miss you dearly!
xoxo,
Leah
Monday, February 21, 2011
It's the Quality, Not the Quanity
One of the toughest things to do in life is to realize and accept your own flaws... even harder is to try to work to get past them.
Let's face it. We all want to be perfect. Hell, many even are convinced they are. Everything is somebody else's or some circumstances fault, right?
"If only she hadn't done this, the evening would have been perfect,"
"I only acted like that because he/she acted like this."
"If only he/she had listened to me a week ago, we would have never had this problem."
You get the drift.
As some of you may recall, one of my goals for the year was to be selfish. Not selfish like, I don't give a crap about you, but selfish as in, if I don't watch out for me, who will? But my latest realization is that I am indeed a selfish adult, just like the rest of us...not the "watch out for myself" kind of selfish, but the "I often take my own selfish needs (or wants?) above my friends and family" kind of selfish. I am sometimes not there for them when they need me the most, and don't even realize it because I'm so stuck in my own head. While I am definitely beating myself up upon this realization (which I know is bad also, but another one of my flaws it that I hate to fail at anything, especially when it comes to the people that mean the most to me), let's face it... most of us are like this. We are all out for self-fulfillment above anything else the majority of the time (at least in the American culture).
Not that self-fulfillment is a bad thing. I mean, we need to strive to make ourselves happy- as my friend often says, happiness is not just GIVEN to us, it's not some luxury that automatically comes with life- we have to work for and earn it. And she's right. However, we need to divide our time and prioritize... which leads into another flaw of mine that feeds into my not being there for people when they need me the most. I over-commit and under-deliver. I stretch myself in 20 different directions and give my all to a select few. It's not that I do this ALL the time, or that I don't WANT to follow-through. It's just that I have many interests in many different areas, not to mention I'm a responsible adult who tries to stay on top of chores and those daily nuisances, and let's face it, those alone can take up a lot of our time. On top of it, I am a socialite. I like people! I like friends- and making new friends! I like to hang out and do fun things! And theeeeen, I try to give myself personal time as well. Time for yoga, meditation, reflection, reading, crocheting, etc. Finding a balance between these is really difficult for me, and always has been. When I was growing up, I wanted to play every sport, every instrument and do every extra-curricular activity (these included soccer, baseball/softball, track, swimming, cross-country- did I mention I hate running long distances?, playing viola, piano lessons, acting in school plays, Thespian club, student government, choir... and the list goes on). Because of my interest in such a variety of areas, I never really excelled in any of them. I was always pretty good at a lot of things. The sad thing is, had I actually fully committed to any of them, I probably could have been really good. Once I decide I really want something and give my all, I do really well at it.
Also, I am a perfectionist. Like I said, I hate failing at anything. I try to be everything to everyone, and want to be the best at it. So, on top of my gazillion personal interests, I try to be a good friend to everyone, old friends and new. Obviously, between my hobbies, social tendencies and trying to please everyone, it stretches my availability thin. I can never understand when people say they are bored! I barely even remember the definition of the word! On the contrary, I often feel overstretched and don't have time to take a breath.
I guess it's not a bad thing to have a lot of interests; it keeps life interesting! However, I need to work at doing one thing at a time, and keeping my priorities- such as being there for those who need me- ahead of my own selfish endeavors.
A quote that I've come to really appreciate in the last year is, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option." Wow, so true. Yet, how often have we done that? I was the worst at this in 2010- I basically committed all my free time to trying to please someone who put everyone and everything else ahead of me, and was completely sad and depressed that they didn't reciprocate the dedication. And now, as a consequence of me focusing all my free attention on him, I realize I not only put my close friends and family- who have been there for me through it all- on the back-burner, but I was also a depressing bummer to be around. I should have been focusing my energy on those that have, and will continue, to be there for me through thick and thin. This is not something I'm proud of. But, as all the cliches point out, hindsight is 20/20, and love is blind, and I have come to realize that those are both true. There's no point in dwelling, but rather use this as a learning experience to better myself with. Let's be honest- watching out for yourself and selflessness are two things that are really hard to balance. I have already started in small ways, but know I have a long way to go. I still have to figure out the key to making this machine work! Changing lifelong habits is no easy task, but I will try.
Here's to forward-thinking, and learning from our mistakes. I dedicate this blog to those I have only given 70% to... and my promise to work on being a better friend and person for them in the future.
Let's face it. We all want to be perfect. Hell, many even are convinced they are. Everything is somebody else's or some circumstances fault, right?
"If only she hadn't done this, the evening would have been perfect,"
"I only acted like that because he/she acted like this."
"If only he/she had listened to me a week ago, we would have never had this problem."
You get the drift.
As some of you may recall, one of my goals for the year was to be selfish. Not selfish like, I don't give a crap about you, but selfish as in, if I don't watch out for me, who will? But my latest realization is that I am indeed a selfish adult, just like the rest of us...not the "watch out for myself" kind of selfish, but the "I often take my own selfish needs (or wants?) above my friends and family" kind of selfish. I am sometimes not there for them when they need me the most, and don't even realize it because I'm so stuck in my own head. While I am definitely beating myself up upon this realization (which I know is bad also, but another one of my flaws it that I hate to fail at anything, especially when it comes to the people that mean the most to me), let's face it... most of us are like this. We are all out for self-fulfillment above anything else the majority of the time (at least in the American culture).
Not that self-fulfillment is a bad thing. I mean, we need to strive to make ourselves happy- as my friend often says, happiness is not just GIVEN to us, it's not some luxury that automatically comes with life- we have to work for and earn it. And she's right. However, we need to divide our time and prioritize... which leads into another flaw of mine that feeds into my not being there for people when they need me the most. I over-commit and under-deliver. I stretch myself in 20 different directions and give my all to a select few. It's not that I do this ALL the time, or that I don't WANT to follow-through. It's just that I have many interests in many different areas, not to mention I'm a responsible adult who tries to stay on top of chores and those daily nuisances, and let's face it, those alone can take up a lot of our time. On top of it, I am a socialite. I like people! I like friends- and making new friends! I like to hang out and do fun things! And theeeeen, I try to give myself personal time as well. Time for yoga, meditation, reflection, reading, crocheting, etc. Finding a balance between these is really difficult for me, and always has been. When I was growing up, I wanted to play every sport, every instrument and do every extra-curricular activity (these included soccer, baseball/softball, track, swimming, cross-country- did I mention I hate running long distances?, playing viola, piano lessons, acting in school plays, Thespian club, student government, choir... and the list goes on). Because of my interest in such a variety of areas, I never really excelled in any of them. I was always pretty good at a lot of things. The sad thing is, had I actually fully committed to any of them, I probably could have been really good. Once I decide I really want something and give my all, I do really well at it.
Also, I am a perfectionist. Like I said, I hate failing at anything. I try to be everything to everyone, and want to be the best at it. So, on top of my gazillion personal interests, I try to be a good friend to everyone, old friends and new. Obviously, between my hobbies, social tendencies and trying to please everyone, it stretches my availability thin. I can never understand when people say they are bored! I barely even remember the definition of the word! On the contrary, I often feel overstretched and don't have time to take a breath.
I guess it's not a bad thing to have a lot of interests; it keeps life interesting! However, I need to work at doing one thing at a time, and keeping my priorities- such as being there for those who need me- ahead of my own selfish endeavors.
A quote that I've come to really appreciate in the last year is, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option." Wow, so true. Yet, how often have we done that? I was the worst at this in 2010- I basically committed all my free time to trying to please someone who put everyone and everything else ahead of me, and was completely sad and depressed that they didn't reciprocate the dedication. And now, as a consequence of me focusing all my free attention on him, I realize I not only put my close friends and family- who have been there for me through it all- on the back-burner, but I was also a depressing bummer to be around. I should have been focusing my energy on those that have, and will continue, to be there for me through thick and thin. This is not something I'm proud of. But, as all the cliches point out, hindsight is 20/20, and love is blind, and I have come to realize that those are both true. There's no point in dwelling, but rather use this as a learning experience to better myself with. Let's be honest- watching out for yourself and selflessness are two things that are really hard to balance. I have already started in small ways, but know I have a long way to go. I still have to figure out the key to making this machine work! Changing lifelong habits is no easy task, but I will try.
Here's to forward-thinking, and learning from our mistakes. I dedicate this blog to those I have only given 70% to... and my promise to work on being a better friend and person for them in the future.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I need a moment.
Warning- this is not a happy blog. I need to vent, and then I will let it go and move on with my life.
I am just amazed at people sometimes... While it is always nice to be amazed in a GOOD way (and it definitely does happen), what I'm referring to today is in a not-so-good way. I am amazed at some people's ability to be incredibly selfish and uncaring, especially to those they are SUPPOSED to care about all in an effort of self-fulfillment.
Life really can be unfair sometimes... those that are completely undeserving get shit on pretty bad. And unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I will say, I KNOW this is for the better. I know that I would never do the things to others that some people throughout my life have done to me... so when they do these things, that is a sure sign that I need to get away from them. A blessing in disguise. Although it hurts, it's some divine intervention's way of saying, "Hey- here is your 'friend's' true colors. Do you really want them in your life at all?" And the answer is, simply, "no." I have plenty of awesome, caring people in my life that I can take a couple of losses on the ones that aren't deserving. I don't need that negative karma around me. And I can certainly do without the drama too, thank you.
The fact of the matter is, even though I realize I am better off without these types, it still really stings. It hurts to know there are people out there who can so easily disregard your feelings and your friendship when you think they actually care. I will never understand these types. The thought of knowingly hurting those close to me is unfathomable... the guilt would haunt me. I honor good friends and decent hearts enough not to go there.
So with that... I am done venting. I am purging the negative people and events to move onto bigger and better things. They can fester in their bad karma as far as I'm concerned.
Whew... ok. That is better. Anger aside- now I will continue to move forward.
I am just amazed at people sometimes... While it is always nice to be amazed in a GOOD way (and it definitely does happen), what I'm referring to today is in a not-so-good way. I am amazed at some people's ability to be incredibly selfish and uncaring, especially to those they are SUPPOSED to care about all in an effort of self-fulfillment.
Life really can be unfair sometimes... those that are completely undeserving get shit on pretty bad. And unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I will say, I KNOW this is for the better. I know that I would never do the things to others that some people throughout my life have done to me... so when they do these things, that is a sure sign that I need to get away from them. A blessing in disguise. Although it hurts, it's some divine intervention's way of saying, "Hey- here is your 'friend's' true colors. Do you really want them in your life at all?" And the answer is, simply, "no." I have plenty of awesome, caring people in my life that I can take a couple of losses on the ones that aren't deserving. I don't need that negative karma around me. And I can certainly do without the drama too, thank you.
The fact of the matter is, even though I realize I am better off without these types, it still really stings. It hurts to know there are people out there who can so easily disregard your feelings and your friendship when you think they actually care. I will never understand these types. The thought of knowingly hurting those close to me is unfathomable... the guilt would haunt me. I honor good friends and decent hearts enough not to go there.
So with that... I am done venting. I am purging the negative people and events to move onto bigger and better things. They can fester in their bad karma as far as I'm concerned.
Whew... ok. That is better. Anger aside- now I will continue to move forward.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Life is What You Make of It
As I'm moving forward in my life and making changes, reflecting comes naturally. Please excuse me for being all philosophical these days, but I think we all have periods in our lives, usually those of transition and change, that naturally push us to reflect. It's part of our natural progression- of each one of our opportunities to learn, grow and become better people. Some embrace it, others simply dismiss it and go about their lives just as they did yesterday. I am an embracer.
Obviously, I needed to make changes in my life. I was not happy. I was in a rut. Things were not right, no matter how hard I tried... Well, I say "tried," but in retrospect, I was trying the wrong way. Instead of letting go and moving on, I was going against Einstein's advice, and doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It was only a matter of time before I would have to be ready to accept this reality, and no matter how difficult to make the transition, to leap out of my comfortable, yet painful, world to try something new. Plus- somewhere in the process of life, I lost a lot of my dreams, my ambitions, my drive... things I've always had. I needed to come out of my shell... again. I'm also coming to realize that periods of re-discovering oneself probably happens multiple times throughout each person's life. In my relatively short 28 years, I can think of probably 2 times I've gone through something similar.
So... back to my reflecting. My latest realization (I say realization, but it's not that I haven't thought of these things before. Rather, it's like an "Ah ha!!" moment where it just seems to click. You know what I mean?) is that life really is what you make of it. You choose your destination and your life journey from the choices you make. These include the leaps or chances you chose to take(or not).Do you chose to follow your gut, or stick in your comfort zone?...The people you choose to surround yourself with (they really do affect your mood and reflect in yourself)... The attitude you chose to have- I like to think it's true that a positive outlook will inspire positive results (even with setbacks)... The actions you choose to make, especially when they affect other people (Selflessness really does go a long way. And karma is a bitch)... etc, etc, etc. You get the idea. You design your own destination.
If you are happy sitting in your comfortable yet unsatisfying job, staying in the same dead end relationship and doing the same thing day in and day out, then by all means, keep doing it. But you only live once, so why not make the best of it? Go the extra mile... surround yourself with awesome people, adopt a healthy attitude and lifestyle, do little things that will make you happy, let go of the things that are holding you back or not serving you, and take the chances. What have you got to lose, after all?
I am finally starting to see the bright side again and am using this transitional period to make changes, follow my dreams and take chances. And although the pain still shows it's face, I am adopting a few philosophies. For instance, the reality is that in life, bad things happen to good people. It's unavoidable- you can't control the actions of others or outside circumstances. You can however, control your reactions to the situation, and therefore, the end outcome. You can either try to learn the lesson and make the best of it, even though it's difficult at times, or suffer through the pain indefinitely. Sometimes I think you have to dwell in the painful stage for a while in order to realize that, unfortunately (but hopefully the lesson will stick for a while). Something to keep in mind, though...a wise man once told me that sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along!
There's something for you to chew on.
Happy hump day, ya'll!
Obviously, I needed to make changes in my life. I was not happy. I was in a rut. Things were not right, no matter how hard I tried... Well, I say "tried," but in retrospect, I was trying the wrong way. Instead of letting go and moving on, I was going against Einstein's advice, and doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It was only a matter of time before I would have to be ready to accept this reality, and no matter how difficult to make the transition, to leap out of my comfortable, yet painful, world to try something new. Plus- somewhere in the process of life, I lost a lot of my dreams, my ambitions, my drive... things I've always had. I needed to come out of my shell... again. I'm also coming to realize that periods of re-discovering oneself probably happens multiple times throughout each person's life. In my relatively short 28 years, I can think of probably 2 times I've gone through something similar.
So... back to my reflecting. My latest realization (I say realization, but it's not that I haven't thought of these things before. Rather, it's like an "Ah ha!!" moment where it just seems to click. You know what I mean?) is that life really is what you make of it. You choose your destination and your life journey from the choices you make. These include the leaps or chances you chose to take(or not).Do you chose to follow your gut, or stick in your comfort zone?...The people you choose to surround yourself with (they really do affect your mood and reflect in yourself)... The attitude you chose to have- I like to think it's true that a positive outlook will inspire positive results (even with setbacks)... The actions you choose to make, especially when they affect other people (Selflessness really does go a long way. And karma is a bitch)... etc, etc, etc. You get the idea. You design your own destination.
If you are happy sitting in your comfortable yet unsatisfying job, staying in the same dead end relationship and doing the same thing day in and day out, then by all means, keep doing it. But you only live once, so why not make the best of it? Go the extra mile... surround yourself with awesome people, adopt a healthy attitude and lifestyle, do little things that will make you happy, let go of the things that are holding you back or not serving you, and take the chances. What have you got to lose, after all?
I am finally starting to see the bright side again and am using this transitional period to make changes, follow my dreams and take chances. And although the pain still shows it's face, I am adopting a few philosophies. For instance, the reality is that in life, bad things happen to good people. It's unavoidable- you can't control the actions of others or outside circumstances. You can however, control your reactions to the situation, and therefore, the end outcome. You can either try to learn the lesson and make the best of it, even though it's difficult at times, or suffer through the pain indefinitely. Sometimes I think you have to dwell in the painful stage for a while in order to realize that, unfortunately (but hopefully the lesson will stick for a while). Something to keep in mind, though...a wise man once told me that sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along!
There's something for you to chew on.
Happy hump day, ya'll!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Some Perspective.
Although we* all have our different ways of dealing with things, when experiencing a difficult emotional ordeal, the same basic healing steps/feelings/emotions exist. Some might deal with them better (or worse) than others, some might push them aside for the time being (although they will surely arise later down the road) and we all run on a different time-line during the process, but the fact is, it is hard, even debilitating at times, to get through it.
I've noticed that difficult periods typically force people to reflect on themselves... the good, the bad and the ugly. But more than anything, the bad and ugly are what we often focus on (at least at the beginning of the healing process). We are probably harder on ourselves than ever, even though this is the time to be compassionate. In addition to the inner turmoil we are already experiencing, our self-esteem and confidence takes a blow. No wonder it's so hard to bounce back!
One of my not-so-good qualities that I have been forced to face is my tendency to dwell... and if you've read my previous posts, this fits right in with my inability to let-go, and not live in the present. If something is bothering me, it plays over and over again in my head and drives me nuts at times. This forces me to constantly relive the pain I am feeling, and not enjoy all the lovely things and people around me to their fullest.
However, I am taking this opportunity to try to shift my mindset. When I start to dwell and get lost in thoughts, I am beginning to work on simply acknowledging it, and shifting my head instead to the positives in my life and the potential of what the future holds. While I don't want to rely on dreams of a future that may or may not happen, at this point, it's good for me to concentrate on this rather than dwelling in past and present situations.
That being said, I am going to list a few things that I am grateful for and things I have to look forward to as a little reminder for me when my mind starts to slip.
-My AMAZING friends! I know I've said it before, but they have really been coming through for me when I need it the most. They have been there to comfort me, listen to the same things over and over again, cheer me up, make me laugh, offer advice... even just giving me their company... whatever it is I need. It seems like just when I need it most someone reminds me that I have things to offer the world, that I mean something to them, that I am important and loved... and BEING loved is just as important as loving, so that is extremely comforting to know! I really am amazed by them every day, and can only dream that I'll have the opportunity to return the favor to them in their times of need.
-My cooler-than-ever family. Even though they live far away and we don't talk nearly enough, thinking of them makes me happy. My mom is there for me whenever I need it, my brothers and sisters make me laugh, my nieces and nephews bring smiles to my face. They love me unconditionally, as I do them, and I am one fortunate lady.
-New friends- Lots of unexpected people have come forward to offer support (sometimes they need a little too) and offer perspective. Sometimes good things DO come out of bad situations!
-Future prospects! From farming to the peace corp, I have some exciting things brewing that will be super awesome and change my life. :)
-Sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along, as a wise man told me. So perhaps this rough patch is meant so I CAN experience better things. Hurray to that!
And by the way, this doesn't mean I never enjoy the time with my friends... just that I have periods of dwelling, more often when I'm alone with my thoughts. Today, for example was a really awesome day with really great people, filled with laughs and love, that helped to bring a little perspective...
You know, things aren't really all that bad after all. I have friends. I'm alive. I will survive.
(* Note: By "we", I obviously mean, "I," in this case. I am simply making an assumption that a lot of people experience similar feelings in these types of situations.)
I've noticed that difficult periods typically force people to reflect on themselves... the good, the bad and the ugly. But more than anything, the bad and ugly are what we often focus on (at least at the beginning of the healing process). We are probably harder on ourselves than ever, even though this is the time to be compassionate. In addition to the inner turmoil we are already experiencing, our self-esteem and confidence takes a blow. No wonder it's so hard to bounce back!
One of my not-so-good qualities that I have been forced to face is my tendency to dwell... and if you've read my previous posts, this fits right in with my inability to let-go, and not live in the present. If something is bothering me, it plays over and over again in my head and drives me nuts at times. This forces me to constantly relive the pain I am feeling, and not enjoy all the lovely things and people around me to their fullest.
However, I am taking this opportunity to try to shift my mindset. When I start to dwell and get lost in thoughts, I am beginning to work on simply acknowledging it, and shifting my head instead to the positives in my life and the potential of what the future holds. While I don't want to rely on dreams of a future that may or may not happen, at this point, it's good for me to concentrate on this rather than dwelling in past and present situations.
That being said, I am going to list a few things that I am grateful for and things I have to look forward to as a little reminder for me when my mind starts to slip.
-My AMAZING friends! I know I've said it before, but they have really been coming through for me when I need it the most. They have been there to comfort me, listen to the same things over and over again, cheer me up, make me laugh, offer advice... even just giving me their company... whatever it is I need. It seems like just when I need it most someone reminds me that I have things to offer the world, that I mean something to them, that I am important and loved... and BEING loved is just as important as loving, so that is extremely comforting to know! I really am amazed by them every day, and can only dream that I'll have the opportunity to return the favor to them in their times of need.
-My cooler-than-ever family. Even though they live far away and we don't talk nearly enough, thinking of them makes me happy. My mom is there for me whenever I need it, my brothers and sisters make me laugh, my nieces and nephews bring smiles to my face. They love me unconditionally, as I do them, and I am one fortunate lady.
-New friends- Lots of unexpected people have come forward to offer support (sometimes they need a little too) and offer perspective. Sometimes good things DO come out of bad situations!
-Future prospects! From farming to the peace corp, I have some exciting things brewing that will be super awesome and change my life. :)
-Sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along, as a wise man told me. So perhaps this rough patch is meant so I CAN experience better things. Hurray to that!
And by the way, this doesn't mean I never enjoy the time with my friends... just that I have periods of dwelling, more often when I'm alone with my thoughts. Today, for example was a really awesome day with really great people, filled with laughs and love, that helped to bring a little perspective...
You know, things aren't really all that bad after all. I have friends. I'm alive. I will survive.
(* Note: By "we", I obviously mean, "I," in this case. I am simply making an assumption that a lot of people experience similar feelings in these types of situations.)
Friday, January 7, 2011
A little stumble...
Yesterday was a bad day. I felt like I had been doing so well at moving forward, and after a series of (not-so-big) events, a ton of feelings and despair came crashing back in just like that... To say the least, it was very frustrating. I mean, I've been working hard to pull things together and get back on track. Things have been looking up! Why, after a few little incidents, did I come back down so easily??
My friends have been reminding me recently that I'm not very good at dealing with failure (who is?). I am somewhat of a perfectionist... and yesterday was a failure of a day in my eyes. So, it's obvious this is a quality I need to try to work on.
I admit that I can be hard on myself. Today, I am kicking myself for my set-backs and actions yesterday. For reverting back to old habits I have been working hard to kill. I admit, I know beating myself up isn't healthy, and is probably only making things worse.
I know I can and will get through it. It is just a long drawn-out process that is bound to have stumbles along the way. Instead of dwelling on my stumble, I should instead be using today as a new day to dust off and pick myself back up. Yesterday is the past, after all. I need to accept that there will be roadblocks in my journey... Why is forgiving myself so difficult? It all makes so much sense in my head! If only changing our old habits overnight were an actual reality. :)
If I don't love and care for myself, who will? I mean, yes, I have people who are always there for me, even during this needy time, which I know isn't easy (THANK YOU!). But ultimately, I have to be the one to love and believe in myself in order to move forward in my life. True story.
So... this brings me to another topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. Human emotions. They are such an interesting thing. I find it so intriguing how QUICKLY our mood and emotions can change, from one day, one moment or one week to the next. You can have the worst day of your life, and the next day be the best. I have had many days full of ups and downs. One moment, I feel completely defeated... and within an hour I feel completely empowered. Isn't that amazing??
Something I've come to realize this year is that NOTHING is constant. That is both refreshing and terrifying at the same time. The good thing about this is that when I, or you, or whoever has a down moment, it's soothing to realize that it will pass. Nothing is constant, and the human psyche is no exception. On the other hand, it is terrifying because, unfortunately, the good times and good emotions will ebb and flow as well. And if nothing is constant, how do you find an anchor?
For now, I am embracing the good side of nothing being constant. It is a good reminder to me that even though I have a bad day, or if now I am having a difficult time, to be cliche, "This too shall pass." In a year, I will look back at this and say, "Wow, that was quite a ride!" Not to say that I won't still be dealing with parts of it, but it is bound to be better. I will be in a completely different phase in life with a whole new set of challenges. But that's okay. Part of this exercise now is learning how to move more gracefully through those!
So with that, my friends, I conclude my thoughts for now. Yesterday is yesterday. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Those, I can't control! But, I can do my best to make today the best it can be. Here's to a new day and to nothing being constant.
My friends have been reminding me recently that I'm not very good at dealing with failure (who is?). I am somewhat of a perfectionist... and yesterday was a failure of a day in my eyes. So, it's obvious this is a quality I need to try to work on.
I admit that I can be hard on myself. Today, I am kicking myself for my set-backs and actions yesterday. For reverting back to old habits I have been working hard to kill. I admit, I know beating myself up isn't healthy, and is probably only making things worse.
I know I can and will get through it. It is just a long drawn-out process that is bound to have stumbles along the way. Instead of dwelling on my stumble, I should instead be using today as a new day to dust off and pick myself back up. Yesterday is the past, after all. I need to accept that there will be roadblocks in my journey... Why is forgiving myself so difficult? It all makes so much sense in my head! If only changing our old habits overnight were an actual reality. :)
If I don't love and care for myself, who will? I mean, yes, I have people who are always there for me, even during this needy time, which I know isn't easy (THANK YOU!). But ultimately, I have to be the one to love and believe in myself in order to move forward in my life. True story.
So... this brings me to another topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. Human emotions. They are such an interesting thing. I find it so intriguing how QUICKLY our mood and emotions can change, from one day, one moment or one week to the next. You can have the worst day of your life, and the next day be the best. I have had many days full of ups and downs. One moment, I feel completely defeated... and within an hour I feel completely empowered. Isn't that amazing??
Something I've come to realize this year is that NOTHING is constant. That is both refreshing and terrifying at the same time. The good thing about this is that when I, or you, or whoever has a down moment, it's soothing to realize that it will pass. Nothing is constant, and the human psyche is no exception. On the other hand, it is terrifying because, unfortunately, the good times and good emotions will ebb and flow as well. And if nothing is constant, how do you find an anchor?
For now, I am embracing the good side of nothing being constant. It is a good reminder to me that even though I have a bad day, or if now I am having a difficult time, to be cliche, "This too shall pass." In a year, I will look back at this and say, "Wow, that was quite a ride!" Not to say that I won't still be dealing with parts of it, but it is bound to be better. I will be in a completely different phase in life with a whole new set of challenges. But that's okay. Part of this exercise now is learning how to move more gracefully through those!
So with that, my friends, I conclude my thoughts for now. Yesterday is yesterday. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Those, I can't control! But, I can do my best to make today the best it can be. Here's to a new day and to nothing being constant.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Screw New Year's Resolutions...
they inevitably fail. Okay... not inevitably. But most of the time. They're typically just something the person WISHES they could do, but aren't really ready to take the steps to follow through with (or they would have done it before the New Year).
This year, I have GOALS for 2011.These are not some unobtainable things I want because it's a new year, but rather because this is a new PHASE in my life, which happens to coincide with a new year. 2010 was crappy anyway, so I may as well use the beginning of 2011 as a benchmark for new beginnings.
Some are for personal growth. Some are for professional growth. Some are just things I want to do more in general... but all-in-all, these goals are meant to help achieve one ultimate objective... to be HAPPY! I can't think of a better reason to have goals.
LEAH'S GOALS FOR 2011:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while.
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind.
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again.
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;)
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair.
While there may be others, I'll limit this list to 10 objectives for now. After all, I want to keep it realistic, which I totally think all of these are. And they compliment each other nicely!
Otherwise, an update on me: I am feeling stronger all the time, despite my good and bad days/moments and am slowly gaining confidence in myself again. I am getting more and more excited about all the possible directions I can go in my life...Nothing is holding me back from reaching for my dreams! That is pretty awesome... This is undoubtedly going to be a year of change and growth for me, and I am beginning to embrace that.
Happy 2011 to all of you! Skip the resolutions...Maybe it's your time to put down some of your goals for the new year, too. :)
This year, I have GOALS for 2011.These are not some unobtainable things I want because it's a new year, but rather because this is a new PHASE in my life, which happens to coincide with a new year. 2010 was crappy anyway, so I may as well use the beginning of 2011 as a benchmark for new beginnings.
Some are for personal growth. Some are for professional growth. Some are just things I want to do more in general... but all-in-all, these goals are meant to help achieve one ultimate objective... to be HAPPY! I can't think of a better reason to have goals.
LEAH'S GOALS FOR 2011:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while.
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind.
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again.
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;)
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair.
While there may be others, I'll limit this list to 10 objectives for now. After all, I want to keep it realistic, which I totally think all of these are. And they compliment each other nicely!
Otherwise, an update on me: I am feeling stronger all the time, despite my good and bad days/moments and am slowly gaining confidence in myself again. I am getting more and more excited about all the possible directions I can go in my life...Nothing is holding me back from reaching for my dreams! That is pretty awesome... This is undoubtedly going to be a year of change and growth for me, and I am beginning to embrace that.
Happy 2011 to all of you! Skip the resolutions...Maybe it's your time to put down some of your goals for the new year, too. :)
Monday, December 27, 2010
I won't lie...
The holidays have been a little tough. Don't get me wrong- it has been WONDERFUL spending time with my family... and if I didn't have them near me, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through. But not sharing these moments with the person I love and am accustomed to sharing them with has left a void to some extent... but let's be honest here... I always feel the void. Some times are just worse than others.
One of my biggest challenges in this thus far has been letting go. I've realized I'm really bad at it. I'm bad at letting go of people. Of letting go of notions of what my life was going to or is supposed to be like. Letting go of feeling like I'm able to have CONTROL over all the outcomes in my life (more on this later). I suck at letting go. I realize this is something I need to work on, and believe me, I am trying!! But it is really difficult for me. I have a long way to go.
I suppose one of the good things that I've accomplished is accepting that I HAVE to let go in order to find peace and happiness in my life again. It's not an option. So, I am taking steps to do that and have been fairly successful in keeping promises I've made to myself to get there. I suppose that if I keep it up, my efforts will eventually pay off, and this will get easier.
Along with letting go, I have realized what a control freak I am... not having control over the outcomes in my life, over my thought patterns and over my emotions has been a huge hurdle. I find that not having control of other people and their actions has also made my imagination run rampid... my head is filled with "what-if" scenarios of things that could, or could not happen. So, instead of taking things as they come, one-step-at-a-time, I am really only causing more pain and angst than necessary in my own life by living moments before they even happen...
Instead of dwelling in these moments too long, I have been trying to take that time instead to reflect on all the things I have gratitude for in my life, and remind myself that no matter how tough times are right now (or how much better or worse they'll get in the meantime), life will go on. Things will eventually get easier, and my life will get some kind of feeling of normalcy to it again. Who knows how long this will take... but someday it will happen.
So, for now, I am just treading along, getting through each day. Allowing myself to feel the pain, but trying not to dwell TOO long on it, and taking steps to break the old patterns that have been hindering me from moving on. I am trying to change my thought patterns through repetition, and striving to make more changes that will make the load a little lighter on my journey. I'll keep you updated. ;)
In the meantime, my friends (and family)... I appreciate all your support, company, listening to me and words of encouragement. Really, it means the world to me. You guys are what keep me going through the really tough moments! Please keep it coming! And if you ever need a shoulder... know that I'll be there. :)
I hope you all had a very joyous holiday and have a wonderful entrance into 2011.
One of my biggest challenges in this thus far has been letting go. I've realized I'm really bad at it. I'm bad at letting go of people. Of letting go of notions of what my life was going to or is supposed to be like. Letting go of feeling like I'm able to have CONTROL over all the outcomes in my life (more on this later). I suck at letting go. I realize this is something I need to work on, and believe me, I am trying!! But it is really difficult for me. I have a long way to go.
I suppose one of the good things that I've accomplished is accepting that I HAVE to let go in order to find peace and happiness in my life again. It's not an option. So, I am taking steps to do that and have been fairly successful in keeping promises I've made to myself to get there. I suppose that if I keep it up, my efforts will eventually pay off, and this will get easier.
Along with letting go, I have realized what a control freak I am... not having control over the outcomes in my life, over my thought patterns and over my emotions has been a huge hurdle. I find that not having control of other people and their actions has also made my imagination run rampid... my head is filled with "what-if" scenarios of things that could, or could not happen. So, instead of taking things as they come, one-step-at-a-time, I am really only causing more pain and angst than necessary in my own life by living moments before they even happen...
Instead of dwelling in these moments too long, I have been trying to take that time instead to reflect on all the things I have gratitude for in my life, and remind myself that no matter how tough times are right now (or how much better or worse they'll get in the meantime), life will go on. Things will eventually get easier, and my life will get some kind of feeling of normalcy to it again. Who knows how long this will take... but someday it will happen.
So, for now, I am just treading along, getting through each day. Allowing myself to feel the pain, but trying not to dwell TOO long on it, and taking steps to break the old patterns that have been hindering me from moving on. I am trying to change my thought patterns through repetition, and striving to make more changes that will make the load a little lighter on my journey. I'll keep you updated. ;)
In the meantime, my friends (and family)... I appreciate all your support, company, listening to me and words of encouragement. Really, it means the world to me. You guys are what keep me going through the really tough moments! Please keep it coming! And if you ever need a shoulder... know that I'll be there. :)
I hope you all had a very joyous holiday and have a wonderful entrance into 2011.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
A Year of Change
So, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I never thought I would have the desire to do this, or if I did, I had no idea what I would blog about that a bagillion people before me hadn't already, nor who's interest I would capture (my own included). So what brought me here?
Well, it all started about a year ago... actually, almost exactly. My relationship was crumbling and the day after Christmas, I moved out of the loft apartment I had shared with my boyfriend and our (but really his) dog... 2010 started with heartache. The heartache, and the subsequent reflection as to what would cause a relationship to crumble between 2 people who obviously loved and cared about each other and had so for almost 4 years, led the remainder of the year to be filled with more heartache (over and over it seems) and lots of self-reflection. All my soul-searching led me to therapy, and ultimately helped me find my mistakes in my relationship (amongst other self-discoveries), which I tried relentlessly to get back. I reflected. I changed. I fought hard. In the end, he wasn't ready as I was, even though the love was still there. The growth had only come from my end... he has his own journey to go through.
Besides my relationship crumbling, I recently quit my job, with no other real path lined up. Yes, I put myself in this position. I have been ready to move on to something different (although I don't really know what) for a long time, and now seemed the right time to do it. And while I'm glad I did it and excited for what the future will bring, all these changes have put me into somewhat of an early-mid-life-crisis. Two of the things that were a constant in my life, that seemed to define me, that were my comforts- my lover and my career, were suddenly non-existent. On top of that (or because of that?), my sense of self has gone out the window. Suddenly I find myself asking... Who am I? Where did I get lost? What defines me? What is important to me? Will I ever be able to feel "normal" and get my life back?? Where the hell do I go from here?! This brings us here, to the end of 2010, filled with more heartache, lots of tears, little sleep, a feeling of being lost, more self-reflection... and blogging.
What are my goals here, you ask? Well, that's pretty simple...
1. A place for me to get all my feelings and emotions out. I hope this is one of many steps I can take to pull the pieces of me back together (enough already!), to re-find what makes Leah, "Leah," and to make sure 2011 is a better year than 2010... by no longer letting this "crisis" pull me apart, but instead use it as an opportunity and a guiding light for me to grow as a person, to find inner peace and balance, and deal better with obstacles and heartache that will inevitably show up again throughout my life.
2. A place for me to document my progress... and set-backs, and what I've learned along the way. (And somewhere to look if I need any reminders.)
3. Somewhere for other friends/people who might be interested about my happenings to get a better sense of where I'm at. (I've often said I can get things out better on paper. Although I admit, I do tend to get wordy.)
4. Perhaps this will be something others can read, whether I know them or not, that may be going through similar hardships in life... and in the end, hopefully a sense of inspiration and hope for them (after I successfully get through this! Which I WILL!).
So, that's it in a nutshell. And while I will delve more into these individual areas, I'll stop here for now...
Thanks for your interest in me/this/life. I'll look forward to future blogs and always welcome your comments and feedback! Happy winter soltice!! :)
Well, it all started about a year ago... actually, almost exactly. My relationship was crumbling and the day after Christmas, I moved out of the loft apartment I had shared with my boyfriend and our (but really his) dog... 2010 started with heartache. The heartache, and the subsequent reflection as to what would cause a relationship to crumble between 2 people who obviously loved and cared about each other and had so for almost 4 years, led the remainder of the year to be filled with more heartache (over and over it seems) and lots of self-reflection. All my soul-searching led me to therapy, and ultimately helped me find my mistakes in my relationship (amongst other self-discoveries), which I tried relentlessly to get back. I reflected. I changed. I fought hard. In the end, he wasn't ready as I was, even though the love was still there. The growth had only come from my end... he has his own journey to go through.
Besides my relationship crumbling, I recently quit my job, with no other real path lined up. Yes, I put myself in this position. I have been ready to move on to something different (although I don't really know what) for a long time, and now seemed the right time to do it. And while I'm glad I did it and excited for what the future will bring, all these changes have put me into somewhat of an early-mid-life-crisis. Two of the things that were a constant in my life, that seemed to define me, that were my comforts- my lover and my career, were suddenly non-existent. On top of that (or because of that?), my sense of self has gone out the window. Suddenly I find myself asking... Who am I? Where did I get lost? What defines me? What is important to me? Will I ever be able to feel "normal" and get my life back?? Where the hell do I go from here?! This brings us here, to the end of 2010, filled with more heartache, lots of tears, little sleep, a feeling of being lost, more self-reflection... and blogging.
What are my goals here, you ask? Well, that's pretty simple...
1. A place for me to get all my feelings and emotions out. I hope this is one of many steps I can take to pull the pieces of me back together (enough already!), to re-find what makes Leah, "Leah," and to make sure 2011 is a better year than 2010... by no longer letting this "crisis" pull me apart, but instead use it as an opportunity and a guiding light for me to grow as a person, to find inner peace and balance, and deal better with obstacles and heartache that will inevitably show up again throughout my life.
2. A place for me to document my progress... and set-backs, and what I've learned along the way. (And somewhere to look if I need any reminders.)
3. Somewhere for other friends/people who might be interested about my happenings to get a better sense of where I'm at. (I've often said I can get things out better on paper. Although I admit, I do tend to get wordy.)
4. Perhaps this will be something others can read, whether I know them or not, that may be going through similar hardships in life... and in the end, hopefully a sense of inspiration and hope for them (after I successfully get through this! Which I WILL!).
So, that's it in a nutshell. And while I will delve more into these individual areas, I'll stop here for now...
Thanks for your interest in me/this/life. I'll look forward to future blogs and always welcome your comments and feedback! Happy winter soltice!! :)
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