I'll just say it- I feel horrible about my body. I've been eating too much. Kinda' drinking too much. Exercise fell by the wayside in the last few months with Carnival Season. I'm possibly my heaviest ever, and I fell SHITTY. I am embarrassed by my own naked body. Fuck that. Time to change. Also, time to not give a shit about men and continue to focus on MYSELF, because my well-being should come first. No more OK Cupid. No more seeking out dates. Focus on me and all positive things in my life. So, I'm writing my goals down here to help me keep focused. This is a work in progress and may change accordingly.
5 Goals to health:
1. Exercise at least 3 times/week, hopefully 4. Schedule it in my calendar. Phase it in.
Immediate: Run a minimum of 2 times/week. Toning exercises once or twice. Yoga once. Stretch daily for 5 minutes. Ride my bike to work when I can.
May 1: Start doing daily core and stretching exercises. Find a comfortable place to set up in my house.
2. Meditate.
Immediate: Meditate at least 3 times per week for 15 minutes.
May 1: Meditate at least 5 times per week at 15 minutes.
June 1: Meditate daily for 15 minutes.
3. Eat properly.
Stop snacking between meals/snacks and out of boredom and routine.
Don't drink my calories.
No added sugar or sweets for at LEAST 2 weeks (April 7).
Measure my portions.
Eat SLOWER and mindfully.
Use My Fitness Pal. 1500 kcal per day, doesn't count exercise. Wine/alcohol only if it fits within my budget.
One cheat day per week, unless a special occasion.
4. Drink water and tea. If I feel hungry, drink at least 12 oz. of water first.
5. Weight goals: lose 2 pounds per week until I get down to 130 lb.
Next... financial health plan.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Here we go again.
It's been a kinda' crazy few months... Sadness mixed with euphoria and confusion.
First, I lost my dog. Ultimately, his kidneys failed; he was only 3 years old. He was sickly since I first got him, and I did my best to make him healthy and comfortable, but it was just beyond my control. It was, and continues to be, really sad and hard on me. It is also difficult as I got stuck with massive medical bills from this and his previous visits, which I'll be paying for months to come.
As that was happening, I was meeting a new man and falling hard. He helped me cope with Tchoups' loss and gave me something positive to focus on, for which I was incredibly thankful. He seemed amazing, to have all the qualities I want in a man and never seem to find, and he liked me too; almost too good to be true.
Fast forward 3 months. Not long in the time spectrum, but I think I've fallen in love with this man. Too good to be true? Yeah, most likely. Likely breaking up right now, but I'm just waiting while he sorts his thoughts. Heart aching and breaking. Can't sleep, can't eat, feel horrible. Here we go again. Breaking up is hard to do, and being rejected is a terrible blow to one's self-esteem.
I don't want to go down this path again. I want to be stronger and not let my self-worth be determined by others. I want to sleep. I want to be happy. I want to be in control of myself.
I am feeling the loss of Tchoups more now that I don't have a distraction, or a dog to focus on or cuddle with during my sadness. I miss him so much. Doubled with the (potential) breakup and hurt I'm feeling, I am having a hard time. I'm sad and feel alone. I have a wretched feeling I can't get to go away in the pit of my stomach.
But this time I am going to learn from my mistakes. I will not allow this to draw out. I will not let my emotions control me, but instead let them take their course and deal with it. I will cut contact completely if we break up. If we don't break up, I will not allow myself to be sold short or walked all over. I will take control of this situation and myself, no matter how much it sucks, because I need to love myself above anyone else.
Other things I will do:
I will continue to exercise, and even do so more.
I will study for my RD exam.
I will excel at work.
I will seek out new friends with healthy lifestyles.
I will finally get my bedroom livable and organized.
I will work on meditation again.
I will live my life one day at a time and not look back or dwell.
I will work on paying my debt, and eventually get a new dog.
First, I lost my dog. Ultimately, his kidneys failed; he was only 3 years old. He was sickly since I first got him, and I did my best to make him healthy and comfortable, but it was just beyond my control. It was, and continues to be, really sad and hard on me. It is also difficult as I got stuck with massive medical bills from this and his previous visits, which I'll be paying for months to come.
As that was happening, I was meeting a new man and falling hard. He helped me cope with Tchoups' loss and gave me something positive to focus on, for which I was incredibly thankful. He seemed amazing, to have all the qualities I want in a man and never seem to find, and he liked me too; almost too good to be true.
Fast forward 3 months. Not long in the time spectrum, but I think I've fallen in love with this man. Too good to be true? Yeah, most likely. Likely breaking up right now, but I'm just waiting while he sorts his thoughts. Heart aching and breaking. Can't sleep, can't eat, feel horrible. Here we go again. Breaking up is hard to do, and being rejected is a terrible blow to one's self-esteem.
I don't want to go down this path again. I want to be stronger and not let my self-worth be determined by others. I want to sleep. I want to be happy. I want to be in control of myself.
I am feeling the loss of Tchoups more now that I don't have a distraction, or a dog to focus on or cuddle with during my sadness. I miss him so much. Doubled with the (potential) breakup and hurt I'm feeling, I am having a hard time. I'm sad and feel alone. I have a wretched feeling I can't get to go away in the pit of my stomach.
But this time I am going to learn from my mistakes. I will not allow this to draw out. I will not let my emotions control me, but instead let them take their course and deal with it. I will cut contact completely if we break up. If we don't break up, I will not allow myself to be sold short or walked all over. I will take control of this situation and myself, no matter how much it sucks, because I need to love myself above anyone else.
Other things I will do:
I will continue to exercise, and even do so more.
I will study for my RD exam.
I will excel at work.
I will seek out new friends with healthy lifestyles.
I will finally get my bedroom livable and organized.
I will work on meditation again.
I will live my life one day at a time and not look back or dwell.
I will work on paying my debt, and eventually get a new dog.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
30 & Lonely
Yet another one bites the dust... Today marks the end of another relationship; a man I care deeply for, but it is not our time, nor do I know if it will ever be. We have marked differences, and they definitely put strain on our relationship, yet I still enjoyed the time of laughing, of sharing, of being cared for and about. Someone to sleep next to, to cuddle, to help me when I need it. Someone to lean on... God, that is so nice.
So even though I know this is for the better, here I am crying over the loss and heartache. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to brush off my feelings, to accept it for what it is and move on. But no, it still stings. I feel. I can't help it.
I am almost 31 and as single as they come. I feel like I am becoming part of the never-ending dating pool. Everyone around me is in love, married, with kids, yet I have yet to find Mr. Right. How does a 30-year-old perfectly eligible single woman get to this point? What sets me apart from all those others finding their happily-ever-after? Am I doing something wrong?
Of course, that's a rhetorical question, although it does seem unfair at times. Some people from the outside may assume that I choose this lifestyle. And while I can get along pretty well as a single woman, and even exude confidence and embrace my independence, I would prefer the alternative. I am ready for a lasting relationship and to consider a family. I am ready to love someone fully, to be loved back, and to share our life's ups and downs with each other. I yearn for that.
But, I also want it to be right. I don't want to settle for Mr. Okay. I don't expect perfection, but I have some basic needs I would like fulfilled and to be with someone who I get along with at least 80% of the time. I also want some spark between us. I want to stick with this person, through thick and thin. I want it to last. As I get older, I more-and-more doubt this person exists. The man I am looking for is surely already taken, in love and happy somewhere else. Or, not near me. I may never meet this man, as timing is everything, and to this day it has not been on my side.
There's also a pressure as you are in your thirties of a family. What if I do want a family? My biological clock is ticking. It could be years, if ever, before I meet this person, and it may be too late. I'm not even positive I want that, but I might, and I want the option, ya' know?
There's really not a point to this blog except to get it off my chest. I am 30, I am lonely, and I am not feeling so hopeful. I know the right thing to do is to keep concentrating on myself, and I am trying, but no matter what that nagging feeling of emptiness, like something/someone is missing from my life, is constantly showing it's face no matter how much I try to deny it.
Oh well. Life will continue, with or without a companion. At least there's Tchoups, my furry four-legged companion!
So even though I know this is for the better, here I am crying over the loss and heartache. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to brush off my feelings, to accept it for what it is and move on. But no, it still stings. I feel. I can't help it.
I am almost 31 and as single as they come. I feel like I am becoming part of the never-ending dating pool. Everyone around me is in love, married, with kids, yet I have yet to find Mr. Right. How does a 30-year-old perfectly eligible single woman get to this point? What sets me apart from all those others finding their happily-ever-after? Am I doing something wrong?
Of course, that's a rhetorical question, although it does seem unfair at times. Some people from the outside may assume that I choose this lifestyle. And while I can get along pretty well as a single woman, and even exude confidence and embrace my independence, I would prefer the alternative. I am ready for a lasting relationship and to consider a family. I am ready to love someone fully, to be loved back, and to share our life's ups and downs with each other. I yearn for that.
But, I also want it to be right. I don't want to settle for Mr. Okay. I don't expect perfection, but I have some basic needs I would like fulfilled and to be with someone who I get along with at least 80% of the time. I also want some spark between us. I want to stick with this person, through thick and thin. I want it to last. As I get older, I more-and-more doubt this person exists. The man I am looking for is surely already taken, in love and happy somewhere else. Or, not near me. I may never meet this man, as timing is everything, and to this day it has not been on my side.
There's also a pressure as you are in your thirties of a family. What if I do want a family? My biological clock is ticking. It could be years, if ever, before I meet this person, and it may be too late. I'm not even positive I want that, but I might, and I want the option, ya' know?
There's really not a point to this blog except to get it off my chest. I am 30, I am lonely, and I am not feeling so hopeful. I know the right thing to do is to keep concentrating on myself, and I am trying, but no matter what that nagging feeling of emptiness, like something/someone is missing from my life, is constantly showing it's face no matter how much I try to deny it.
Oh well. Life will continue, with or without a companion. At least there's Tchoups, my furry four-legged companion!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
A refresher course
Wow, it has been a while. Life has changed (when does it not?), but some things have stayed the same, almost to a fault. Unfortunately, I have found myself falling back on old habits and losing good ones, so I am hoping with the new year I can shift toward a new perspective in the direction of the life I want to lead.
I am lonely. I crave someone to wake up to, someone to hold, someone to be there for me on my really good, or really bad, days. I would love to have someone to love... but on that note, not just anyone to love. I want to meet someone that balances me out, a companion; hopefully a lifelong partner. I am 30 and single, albeit dating, but have not found that person I "click" with yet.
In the past year, I've been re-evaluating how exactly it is I've fallen into past relationships, and it's certainly affected my outlook on the future. You see, growing up, it was all based purely on attraction. There was no thought process as to if this person was right for me or not, and part of that is because I didn't KNOW what was right for me. I mean, I was still learning about myself, after all. But, thanks to those relationships and growing up, I think I've carved out a fairly good picture of what I think I need, or don't need, in a future relationship in order to be successful. No surprise, I made a list. Ha.
Things I want in a man
- Considerate
- Fun/funny
- Responsible
- Active/likes to go out and do stuff
- Makes me feel special; does and says nice things
- Likes food and open to trying new things
- Respects me and my opinion
- Appreciates culture
- Has a steady job; hard-working; not a mooch
- Has a positive outlook on life
- Generally- brings out the best in me
I guess the biggest difference between the Leah of now and the Leah of the past is that I refuse to react purely on emotion and attraction anymore. If you can't meet my core needs, then I'm sorry- I must move on. Of course, I'm not looking for any specific mold of a person and I do not expect perfection. I just want to be with someone that makes me happy and brings out the best of me, and I the same to them! If your idea of happiness is sitting on the couch and watching movies almost every day, then I will not be happy. If you cannot appreciate food, I will not be happy, because I need someone to share that huge part of my life with. If you don't make me feel good about myself, then I will not be happy, and in return, you will probably not be happy.
The other difference now is that I won't immediately dismiss the idea of a relationship if I don't feel immediate chemistry if they seem like a good fit. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I like the idea that if two people fit into the mold of a good partnership, that perhaps a love can grow out of that. I've heard it has happened to others, but this is a new concept to me. I'm willing to give it a try, although I admit I am weary. I am actually dating a guy like this now. He is perfect for me on so many levels and I really enjoy our time together, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I am trying, though.
Besides the love front, I've fallen off the meditation/yoga bandwagon. The result= an over-thinking, stressified, tense mess-of-a-Leah. Maybe not to the naked eye, but I certainly notice the difference. I've also been drinking more than I care to admit. These things I need to change.
I I haven't met as many people (read: friends I can call on a whim, people to vent to, hang out with, etc) as I would have liked, but largely this is because I was dating a somewhat anti-social man for almost half of my time here, which definitely had an effect. It's since been improving, so I hope to continue down that path.
On a positive note, I'm signed up for classes in January! I'm taking Spanish, which aligns with my lifelong goal of speaking it fluently. I am super excited, but I also realize this will require me to make some adjustments in my life to allow for more time to study and concentrate, especially with how crazy my work schedule will be then. I'm hoping this is a good thing and will help me find the balance I'm looking for, while cutting down on the drinking.
I'll keep it at this for now... With the holidays here, that damn loneliness seems to keep showing its face and I felt the need to get some of it out. Perhaps I'll do a nice New Years blog! Until then, may warmth and peace find you this holiday season!
B
Monday, April 16, 2012
Better Late Than Never!
Oi... it's been a while. Over a year, actually. That's a little disappointing! Oh well, shows how busy I've been. Lots of changes have happened. Let's rehash out the last year, in a nutshell... Took "me" time. Made lots of strides! Learned to meditate, did yoga, worked on a farm and managed a farmers market, got happy again! Moved five times (man, that was exhausting). Dated like a fiend. Stopped dating at all. Started dating again and found a boyfriend. Got a job in New Orleans. Moved for said job. Said relationship failed as a result... And now, I've been in NOLA for about a month and a half, working my job, hanging out with my BFF, trying to get healthy and find a new balance in life. Whew.
Since it's been a while, I think I'll first take a moment to reflect upon the 2011 goals I made for myself (remember those?) and see what I accomplished:
Leah's 2011 Goals:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while. Yep, I think I did a pretty good job of this. I found happiness, so I think that is a pretty good indicator!
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind. I was doing great! Then the end of the year, job instability and moving occurred... Hello, more debt. :/
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly. WAS doing great. Now, not so much... Fell off the bandwagon last fall. Haven't found a yoga studio I really like here, although I have gone on multiple occassions. Working on the meditation piece. It was a good addition to my life.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them! I hope I did a good job of this... I really do love and miss my friends and family!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end. I definitely got rid of a lot of baggage by doing this... so even though this is a constant struggle, I think I have been quite successful! I will continue this; it's a good reminder.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to. My self-confidence really improved this last year as a result of all my hard work. I think I've done a lot, but self-improvement is always at the forefront of my mind.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again. Not too successful here... Although swing lessons are looking like more of a reality here in NOLA! I did go once!
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more. I was... and fell off the bandwagon. Need to pick that back up. Oi.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;) Did it! Worked on a farm!! And so happy I did. Now onto my career!!
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair. Still a work in progress...
Overall, how did I do? Pretty good, I suppose... I met a lot of my goals, a lot are ongoing and a lot I fell off the bandwagon. This is a good reminder for me, though.
Now an update on my life, in general. Well, moving to New Orleans has definitely been a huge adjustment. The job, lifestyle, the lack of familiar faces (with the exception of my now-reunited BFF and her fiance), new climate, living alone FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER, new car-- all really big changes! All-in-all, things are good. Just different. I do miss my friends and RI a lot. I feel lonely sometimes (today is one of those days). Lonely in the sense of missing my friends, and lonely in the sense that I wouldn't mind having someone to share my life with. I mean, I'm almost 30 and single. I know a lot of us are in that boat, but I just can't help but reflect. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the right person, at the right time... I really would like to. The prospect of another long term (hopefully life-long) relationship is something I'm into more and more these days, I won't lie...
In the meantime, though, I am still working on me, enjoying my life whether it be alone or not. Let's be honest- there's a possibility that all of us will die alone. That could be me. Not to sound morbid, because that's really not my point. My point is that all that I can control is MY life, so I need to continue to concentrate on that instead of the what and when-ifs.
Okay, enough on the relationship front. In other news, I still have a constant struggle finding balance in life. There is just not enough time in the day to accomplish all of the things I want to! I am, however, putting in a LOT more time on physically taking care of myself. I'm exercising fairly regularly and have lost over 5 pounds! It feels really great. Hoping to keep this trend going!
New Orleans is fun and I'm slowly starting to meet more people and expand my circle of friends, but it is going to take a while. Work is good, also. I am still really happy at my decision to move here and take the job. Things are behind in building the kitchen and I don't have an office which is a little annoying, but I am dealing with it and forging ahead!
I know this post is extremely vague, but I hope to continue on my blogging trend again soon with more specifics. Today I was just feeling the need to vent a little and have been reflecting on my changes, so it was necessary, vague or not. At least this is a start. :) I hope you are all well and if you are reading this, chances are I miss you dearly!
xoxo,
Leah
Since it's been a while, I think I'll first take a moment to reflect upon the 2011 goals I made for myself (remember those?) and see what I accomplished:
Leah's 2011 Goals:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while. Yep, I think I did a pretty good job of this. I found happiness, so I think that is a pretty good indicator!
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind. I was doing great! Then the end of the year, job instability and moving occurred... Hello, more debt. :/
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly. WAS doing great. Now, not so much... Fell off the bandwagon last fall. Haven't found a yoga studio I really like here, although I have gone on multiple occassions. Working on the meditation piece. It was a good addition to my life.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them! I hope I did a good job of this... I really do love and miss my friends and family!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end. I definitely got rid of a lot of baggage by doing this... so even though this is a constant struggle, I think I have been quite successful! I will continue this; it's a good reminder.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to. My self-confidence really improved this last year as a result of all my hard work. I think I've done a lot, but self-improvement is always at the forefront of my mind.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again. Not too successful here... Although swing lessons are looking like more of a reality here in NOLA! I did go once!
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more. I was... and fell off the bandwagon. Need to pick that back up. Oi.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;) Did it! Worked on a farm!! And so happy I did. Now onto my career!!
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair. Still a work in progress...
Overall, how did I do? Pretty good, I suppose... I met a lot of my goals, a lot are ongoing and a lot I fell off the bandwagon. This is a good reminder for me, though.
Now an update on my life, in general. Well, moving to New Orleans has definitely been a huge adjustment. The job, lifestyle, the lack of familiar faces (with the exception of my now-reunited BFF and her fiance), new climate, living alone FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER, new car-- all really big changes! All-in-all, things are good. Just different. I do miss my friends and RI a lot. I feel lonely sometimes (today is one of those days). Lonely in the sense of missing my friends, and lonely in the sense that I wouldn't mind having someone to share my life with. I mean, I'm almost 30 and single. I know a lot of us are in that boat, but I just can't help but reflect. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the right person, at the right time... I really would like to. The prospect of another long term (hopefully life-long) relationship is something I'm into more and more these days, I won't lie...
In the meantime, though, I am still working on me, enjoying my life whether it be alone or not. Let's be honest- there's a possibility that all of us will die alone. That could be me. Not to sound morbid, because that's really not my point. My point is that all that I can control is MY life, so I need to continue to concentrate on that instead of the what and when-ifs.
Okay, enough on the relationship front. In other news, I still have a constant struggle finding balance in life. There is just not enough time in the day to accomplish all of the things I want to! I am, however, putting in a LOT more time on physically taking care of myself. I'm exercising fairly regularly and have lost over 5 pounds! It feels really great. Hoping to keep this trend going!
New Orleans is fun and I'm slowly starting to meet more people and expand my circle of friends, but it is going to take a while. Work is good, also. I am still really happy at my decision to move here and take the job. Things are behind in building the kitchen and I don't have an office which is a little annoying, but I am dealing with it and forging ahead!
I know this post is extremely vague, but I hope to continue on my blogging trend again soon with more specifics. Today I was just feeling the need to vent a little and have been reflecting on my changes, so it was necessary, vague or not. At least this is a start. :) I hope you are all well and if you are reading this, chances are I miss you dearly!
xoxo,
Leah
Monday, February 21, 2011
It's the Quality, Not the Quanity
One of the toughest things to do in life is to realize and accept your own flaws... even harder is to try to work to get past them.
Let's face it. We all want to be perfect. Hell, many even are convinced they are. Everything is somebody else's or some circumstances fault, right?
"If only she hadn't done this, the evening would have been perfect,"
"I only acted like that because he/she acted like this."
"If only he/she had listened to me a week ago, we would have never had this problem."
You get the drift.
As some of you may recall, one of my goals for the year was to be selfish. Not selfish like, I don't give a crap about you, but selfish as in, if I don't watch out for me, who will? But my latest realization is that I am indeed a selfish adult, just like the rest of us...not the "watch out for myself" kind of selfish, but the "I often take my own selfish needs (or wants?) above my friends and family" kind of selfish. I am sometimes not there for them when they need me the most, and don't even realize it because I'm so stuck in my own head. While I am definitely beating myself up upon this realization (which I know is bad also, but another one of my flaws it that I hate to fail at anything, especially when it comes to the people that mean the most to me), let's face it... most of us are like this. We are all out for self-fulfillment above anything else the majority of the time (at least in the American culture).
Not that self-fulfillment is a bad thing. I mean, we need to strive to make ourselves happy- as my friend often says, happiness is not just GIVEN to us, it's not some luxury that automatically comes with life- we have to work for and earn it. And she's right. However, we need to divide our time and prioritize... which leads into another flaw of mine that feeds into my not being there for people when they need me the most. I over-commit and under-deliver. I stretch myself in 20 different directions and give my all to a select few. It's not that I do this ALL the time, or that I don't WANT to follow-through. It's just that I have many interests in many different areas, not to mention I'm a responsible adult who tries to stay on top of chores and those daily nuisances, and let's face it, those alone can take up a lot of our time. On top of it, I am a socialite. I like people! I like friends- and making new friends! I like to hang out and do fun things! And theeeeen, I try to give myself personal time as well. Time for yoga, meditation, reflection, reading, crocheting, etc. Finding a balance between these is really difficult for me, and always has been. When I was growing up, I wanted to play every sport, every instrument and do every extra-curricular activity (these included soccer, baseball/softball, track, swimming, cross-country- did I mention I hate running long distances?, playing viola, piano lessons, acting in school plays, Thespian club, student government, choir... and the list goes on). Because of my interest in such a variety of areas, I never really excelled in any of them. I was always pretty good at a lot of things. The sad thing is, had I actually fully committed to any of them, I probably could have been really good. Once I decide I really want something and give my all, I do really well at it.
Also, I am a perfectionist. Like I said, I hate failing at anything. I try to be everything to everyone, and want to be the best at it. So, on top of my gazillion personal interests, I try to be a good friend to everyone, old friends and new. Obviously, between my hobbies, social tendencies and trying to please everyone, it stretches my availability thin. I can never understand when people say they are bored! I barely even remember the definition of the word! On the contrary, I often feel overstretched and don't have time to take a breath.
I guess it's not a bad thing to have a lot of interests; it keeps life interesting! However, I need to work at doing one thing at a time, and keeping my priorities- such as being there for those who need me- ahead of my own selfish endeavors.
A quote that I've come to really appreciate in the last year is, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option." Wow, so true. Yet, how often have we done that? I was the worst at this in 2010- I basically committed all my free time to trying to please someone who put everyone and everything else ahead of me, and was completely sad and depressed that they didn't reciprocate the dedication. And now, as a consequence of me focusing all my free attention on him, I realize I not only put my close friends and family- who have been there for me through it all- on the back-burner, but I was also a depressing bummer to be around. I should have been focusing my energy on those that have, and will continue, to be there for me through thick and thin. This is not something I'm proud of. But, as all the cliches point out, hindsight is 20/20, and love is blind, and I have come to realize that those are both true. There's no point in dwelling, but rather use this as a learning experience to better myself with. Let's be honest- watching out for yourself and selflessness are two things that are really hard to balance. I have already started in small ways, but know I have a long way to go. I still have to figure out the key to making this machine work! Changing lifelong habits is no easy task, but I will try.
Here's to forward-thinking, and learning from our mistakes. I dedicate this blog to those I have only given 70% to... and my promise to work on being a better friend and person for them in the future.
Let's face it. We all want to be perfect. Hell, many even are convinced they are. Everything is somebody else's or some circumstances fault, right?
"If only she hadn't done this, the evening would have been perfect,"
"I only acted like that because he/she acted like this."
"If only he/she had listened to me a week ago, we would have never had this problem."
You get the drift.
As some of you may recall, one of my goals for the year was to be selfish. Not selfish like, I don't give a crap about you, but selfish as in, if I don't watch out for me, who will? But my latest realization is that I am indeed a selfish adult, just like the rest of us...not the "watch out for myself" kind of selfish, but the "I often take my own selfish needs (or wants?) above my friends and family" kind of selfish. I am sometimes not there for them when they need me the most, and don't even realize it because I'm so stuck in my own head. While I am definitely beating myself up upon this realization (which I know is bad also, but another one of my flaws it that I hate to fail at anything, especially when it comes to the people that mean the most to me), let's face it... most of us are like this. We are all out for self-fulfillment above anything else the majority of the time (at least in the American culture).
Not that self-fulfillment is a bad thing. I mean, we need to strive to make ourselves happy- as my friend often says, happiness is not just GIVEN to us, it's not some luxury that automatically comes with life- we have to work for and earn it. And she's right. However, we need to divide our time and prioritize... which leads into another flaw of mine that feeds into my not being there for people when they need me the most. I over-commit and under-deliver. I stretch myself in 20 different directions and give my all to a select few. It's not that I do this ALL the time, or that I don't WANT to follow-through. It's just that I have many interests in many different areas, not to mention I'm a responsible adult who tries to stay on top of chores and those daily nuisances, and let's face it, those alone can take up a lot of our time. On top of it, I am a socialite. I like people! I like friends- and making new friends! I like to hang out and do fun things! And theeeeen, I try to give myself personal time as well. Time for yoga, meditation, reflection, reading, crocheting, etc. Finding a balance between these is really difficult for me, and always has been. When I was growing up, I wanted to play every sport, every instrument and do every extra-curricular activity (these included soccer, baseball/softball, track, swimming, cross-country- did I mention I hate running long distances?, playing viola, piano lessons, acting in school plays, Thespian club, student government, choir... and the list goes on). Because of my interest in such a variety of areas, I never really excelled in any of them. I was always pretty good at a lot of things. The sad thing is, had I actually fully committed to any of them, I probably could have been really good. Once I decide I really want something and give my all, I do really well at it.
Also, I am a perfectionist. Like I said, I hate failing at anything. I try to be everything to everyone, and want to be the best at it. So, on top of my gazillion personal interests, I try to be a good friend to everyone, old friends and new. Obviously, between my hobbies, social tendencies and trying to please everyone, it stretches my availability thin. I can never understand when people say they are bored! I barely even remember the definition of the word! On the contrary, I often feel overstretched and don't have time to take a breath.
I guess it's not a bad thing to have a lot of interests; it keeps life interesting! However, I need to work at doing one thing at a time, and keeping my priorities- such as being there for those who need me- ahead of my own selfish endeavors.
A quote that I've come to really appreciate in the last year is, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option." Wow, so true. Yet, how often have we done that? I was the worst at this in 2010- I basically committed all my free time to trying to please someone who put everyone and everything else ahead of me, and was completely sad and depressed that they didn't reciprocate the dedication. And now, as a consequence of me focusing all my free attention on him, I realize I not only put my close friends and family- who have been there for me through it all- on the back-burner, but I was also a depressing bummer to be around. I should have been focusing my energy on those that have, and will continue, to be there for me through thick and thin. This is not something I'm proud of. But, as all the cliches point out, hindsight is 20/20, and love is blind, and I have come to realize that those are both true. There's no point in dwelling, but rather use this as a learning experience to better myself with. Let's be honest- watching out for yourself and selflessness are two things that are really hard to balance. I have already started in small ways, but know I have a long way to go. I still have to figure out the key to making this machine work! Changing lifelong habits is no easy task, but I will try.
Here's to forward-thinking, and learning from our mistakes. I dedicate this blog to those I have only given 70% to... and my promise to work on being a better friend and person for them in the future.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I need a moment.
Warning- this is not a happy blog. I need to vent, and then I will let it go and move on with my life.
I am just amazed at people sometimes... While it is always nice to be amazed in a GOOD way (and it definitely does happen), what I'm referring to today is in a not-so-good way. I am amazed at some people's ability to be incredibly selfish and uncaring, especially to those they are SUPPOSED to care about all in an effort of self-fulfillment.
Life really can be unfair sometimes... those that are completely undeserving get shit on pretty bad. And unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I will say, I KNOW this is for the better. I know that I would never do the things to others that some people throughout my life have done to me... so when they do these things, that is a sure sign that I need to get away from them. A blessing in disguise. Although it hurts, it's some divine intervention's way of saying, "Hey- here is your 'friend's' true colors. Do you really want them in your life at all?" And the answer is, simply, "no." I have plenty of awesome, caring people in my life that I can take a couple of losses on the ones that aren't deserving. I don't need that negative karma around me. And I can certainly do without the drama too, thank you.
The fact of the matter is, even though I realize I am better off without these types, it still really stings. It hurts to know there are people out there who can so easily disregard your feelings and your friendship when you think they actually care. I will never understand these types. The thought of knowingly hurting those close to me is unfathomable... the guilt would haunt me. I honor good friends and decent hearts enough not to go there.
So with that... I am done venting. I am purging the negative people and events to move onto bigger and better things. They can fester in their bad karma as far as I'm concerned.
Whew... ok. That is better. Anger aside- now I will continue to move forward.
I am just amazed at people sometimes... While it is always nice to be amazed in a GOOD way (and it definitely does happen), what I'm referring to today is in a not-so-good way. I am amazed at some people's ability to be incredibly selfish and uncaring, especially to those they are SUPPOSED to care about all in an effort of self-fulfillment.
Life really can be unfair sometimes... those that are completely undeserving get shit on pretty bad. And unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I will say, I KNOW this is for the better. I know that I would never do the things to others that some people throughout my life have done to me... so when they do these things, that is a sure sign that I need to get away from them. A blessing in disguise. Although it hurts, it's some divine intervention's way of saying, "Hey- here is your 'friend's' true colors. Do you really want them in your life at all?" And the answer is, simply, "no." I have plenty of awesome, caring people in my life that I can take a couple of losses on the ones that aren't deserving. I don't need that negative karma around me. And I can certainly do without the drama too, thank you.
The fact of the matter is, even though I realize I am better off without these types, it still really stings. It hurts to know there are people out there who can so easily disregard your feelings and your friendship when you think they actually care. I will never understand these types. The thought of knowingly hurting those close to me is unfathomable... the guilt would haunt me. I honor good friends and decent hearts enough not to go there.
So with that... I am done venting. I am purging the negative people and events to move onto bigger and better things. They can fester in their bad karma as far as I'm concerned.
Whew... ok. That is better. Anger aside- now I will continue to move forward.
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