The holidays have been a little tough. Don't get me wrong- it has been WONDERFUL spending time with my family... and if I didn't have them near me, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through. But not sharing these moments with the person I love and am accustomed to sharing them with has left a void to some extent... but let's be honest here... I always feel the void. Some times are just worse than others.
One of my biggest challenges in this thus far has been letting go. I've realized I'm really bad at it. I'm bad at letting go of people. Of letting go of notions of what my life was going to or is supposed to be like. Letting go of feeling like I'm able to have CONTROL over all the outcomes in my life (more on this later). I suck at letting go. I realize this is something I need to work on, and believe me, I am trying!! But it is really difficult for me. I have a long way to go.
I suppose one of the good things that I've accomplished is accepting that I HAVE to let go in order to find peace and happiness in my life again. It's not an option. So, I am taking steps to do that and have been fairly successful in keeping promises I've made to myself to get there. I suppose that if I keep it up, my efforts will eventually pay off, and this will get easier.
Along with letting go, I have realized what a control freak I am... not having control over the outcomes in my life, over my thought patterns and over my emotions has been a huge hurdle. I find that not having control of other people and their actions has also made my imagination run rampid... my head is filled with "what-if" scenarios of things that could, or could not happen. So, instead of taking things as they come, one-step-at-a-time, I am really only causing more pain and angst than necessary in my own life by living moments before they even happen...
Instead of dwelling in these moments too long, I have been trying to take that time instead to reflect on all the things I have gratitude for in my life, and remind myself that no matter how tough times are right now (or how much better or worse they'll get in the meantime), life will go on. Things will eventually get easier, and my life will get some kind of feeling of normalcy to it again. Who knows how long this will take... but someday it will happen.
So, for now, I am just treading along, getting through each day. Allowing myself to feel the pain, but trying not to dwell TOO long on it, and taking steps to break the old patterns that have been hindering me from moving on. I am trying to change my thought patterns through repetition, and striving to make more changes that will make the load a little lighter on my journey. I'll keep you updated. ;)
In the meantime, my friends (and family)... I appreciate all your support, company, listening to me and words of encouragement. Really, it means the world to me. You guys are what keep me going through the really tough moments! Please keep it coming! And if you ever need a shoulder... know that I'll be there. :)
I hope you all had a very joyous holiday and have a wonderful entrance into 2011.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
A Year of Change
So, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I never thought I would have the desire to do this, or if I did, I had no idea what I would blog about that a bagillion people before me hadn't already, nor who's interest I would capture (my own included). So what brought me here?
Well, it all started about a year ago... actually, almost exactly. My relationship was crumbling and the day after Christmas, I moved out of the loft apartment I had shared with my boyfriend and our (but really his) dog... 2010 started with heartache. The heartache, and the subsequent reflection as to what would cause a relationship to crumble between 2 people who obviously loved and cared about each other and had so for almost 4 years, led the remainder of the year to be filled with more heartache (over and over it seems) and lots of self-reflection. All my soul-searching led me to therapy, and ultimately helped me find my mistakes in my relationship (amongst other self-discoveries), which I tried relentlessly to get back. I reflected. I changed. I fought hard. In the end, he wasn't ready as I was, even though the love was still there. The growth had only come from my end... he has his own journey to go through.
Besides my relationship crumbling, I recently quit my job, with no other real path lined up. Yes, I put myself in this position. I have been ready to move on to something different (although I don't really know what) for a long time, and now seemed the right time to do it. And while I'm glad I did it and excited for what the future will bring, all these changes have put me into somewhat of an early-mid-life-crisis. Two of the things that were a constant in my life, that seemed to define me, that were my comforts- my lover and my career, were suddenly non-existent. On top of that (or because of that?), my sense of self has gone out the window. Suddenly I find myself asking... Who am I? Where did I get lost? What defines me? What is important to me? Will I ever be able to feel "normal" and get my life back?? Where the hell do I go from here?! This brings us here, to the end of 2010, filled with more heartache, lots of tears, little sleep, a feeling of being lost, more self-reflection... and blogging.
What are my goals here, you ask? Well, that's pretty simple...
1. A place for me to get all my feelings and emotions out. I hope this is one of many steps I can take to pull the pieces of me back together (enough already!), to re-find what makes Leah, "Leah," and to make sure 2011 is a better year than 2010... by no longer letting this "crisis" pull me apart, but instead use it as an opportunity and a guiding light for me to grow as a person, to find inner peace and balance, and deal better with obstacles and heartache that will inevitably show up again throughout my life.
2. A place for me to document my progress... and set-backs, and what I've learned along the way. (And somewhere to look if I need any reminders.)
3. Somewhere for other friends/people who might be interested about my happenings to get a better sense of where I'm at. (I've often said I can get things out better on paper. Although I admit, I do tend to get wordy.)
4. Perhaps this will be something others can read, whether I know them or not, that may be going through similar hardships in life... and in the end, hopefully a sense of inspiration and hope for them (after I successfully get through this! Which I WILL!).
So, that's it in a nutshell. And while I will delve more into these individual areas, I'll stop here for now...
Thanks for your interest in me/this/life. I'll look forward to future blogs and always welcome your comments and feedback! Happy winter soltice!! :)
Well, it all started about a year ago... actually, almost exactly. My relationship was crumbling and the day after Christmas, I moved out of the loft apartment I had shared with my boyfriend and our (but really his) dog... 2010 started with heartache. The heartache, and the subsequent reflection as to what would cause a relationship to crumble between 2 people who obviously loved and cared about each other and had so for almost 4 years, led the remainder of the year to be filled with more heartache (over and over it seems) and lots of self-reflection. All my soul-searching led me to therapy, and ultimately helped me find my mistakes in my relationship (amongst other self-discoveries), which I tried relentlessly to get back. I reflected. I changed. I fought hard. In the end, he wasn't ready as I was, even though the love was still there. The growth had only come from my end... he has his own journey to go through.
Besides my relationship crumbling, I recently quit my job, with no other real path lined up. Yes, I put myself in this position. I have been ready to move on to something different (although I don't really know what) for a long time, and now seemed the right time to do it. And while I'm glad I did it and excited for what the future will bring, all these changes have put me into somewhat of an early-mid-life-crisis. Two of the things that were a constant in my life, that seemed to define me, that were my comforts- my lover and my career, were suddenly non-existent. On top of that (or because of that?), my sense of self has gone out the window. Suddenly I find myself asking... Who am I? Where did I get lost? What defines me? What is important to me? Will I ever be able to feel "normal" and get my life back?? Where the hell do I go from here?! This brings us here, to the end of 2010, filled with more heartache, lots of tears, little sleep, a feeling of being lost, more self-reflection... and blogging.
What are my goals here, you ask? Well, that's pretty simple...
1. A place for me to get all my feelings and emotions out. I hope this is one of many steps I can take to pull the pieces of me back together (enough already!), to re-find what makes Leah, "Leah," and to make sure 2011 is a better year than 2010... by no longer letting this "crisis" pull me apart, but instead use it as an opportunity and a guiding light for me to grow as a person, to find inner peace and balance, and deal better with obstacles and heartache that will inevitably show up again throughout my life.
2. A place for me to document my progress... and set-backs, and what I've learned along the way. (And somewhere to look if I need any reminders.)
3. Somewhere for other friends/people who might be interested about my happenings to get a better sense of where I'm at. (I've often said I can get things out better on paper. Although I admit, I do tend to get wordy.)
4. Perhaps this will be something others can read, whether I know them or not, that may be going through similar hardships in life... and in the end, hopefully a sense of inspiration and hope for them (after I successfully get through this! Which I WILL!).
So, that's it in a nutshell. And while I will delve more into these individual areas, I'll stop here for now...
Thanks for your interest in me/this/life. I'll look forward to future blogs and always welcome your comments and feedback! Happy winter soltice!! :)
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