One of the toughest things to do in life is to realize and accept your own flaws... even harder is to try to work to get past them.
Let's face it. We all want to be perfect. Hell, many even are convinced they are. Everything is somebody else's or some circumstances fault, right?
"If only she hadn't done this, the evening would have been perfect,"
"I only acted like that because he/she acted like this."
"If only he/she had listened to me a week ago, we would have never had this problem."
You get the drift.
As some of you may recall, one of my goals for the year was to be selfish. Not selfish like, I don't give a crap about you, but selfish as in, if I don't watch out for me, who will? But my latest realization is that I am indeed a selfish adult, just like the rest of us...not the "watch out for myself" kind of selfish, but the "I often take my own selfish needs (or wants?) above my friends and family" kind of selfish. I am sometimes not there for them when they need me the most, and don't even realize it because I'm so stuck in my own head. While I am definitely beating myself up upon this realization (which I know is bad also, but another one of my flaws it that I hate to fail at anything, especially when it comes to the people that mean the most to me), let's face it... most of us are like this. We are all out for self-fulfillment above anything else the majority of the time (at least in the American culture).
Not that self-fulfillment is a bad thing. I mean, we need to strive to make ourselves happy- as my friend often says, happiness is not just GIVEN to us, it's not some luxury that automatically comes with life- we have to work for and earn it. And she's right. However, we need to divide our time and prioritize... which leads into another flaw of mine that feeds into my not being there for people when they need me the most. I over-commit and under-deliver. I stretch myself in 20 different directions and give my all to a select few. It's not that I do this ALL the time, or that I don't WANT to follow-through. It's just that I have many interests in many different areas, not to mention I'm a responsible adult who tries to stay on top of chores and those daily nuisances, and let's face it, those alone can take up a lot of our time. On top of it, I am a socialite. I like people! I like friends- and making new friends! I like to hang out and do fun things! And theeeeen, I try to give myself personal time as well. Time for yoga, meditation, reflection, reading, crocheting, etc. Finding a balance between these is really difficult for me, and always has been. When I was growing up, I wanted to play every sport, every instrument and do every extra-curricular activity (these included soccer, baseball/softball, track, swimming, cross-country- did I mention I hate running long distances?, playing viola, piano lessons, acting in school plays, Thespian club, student government, choir... and the list goes on). Because of my interest in such a variety of areas, I never really excelled in any of them. I was always pretty good at a lot of things. The sad thing is, had I actually fully committed to any of them, I probably could have been really good. Once I decide I really want something and give my all, I do really well at it.
Also, I am a perfectionist. Like I said, I hate failing at anything. I try to be everything to everyone, and want to be the best at it. So, on top of my gazillion personal interests, I try to be a good friend to everyone, old friends and new. Obviously, between my hobbies, social tendencies and trying to please everyone, it stretches my availability thin. I can never understand when people say they are bored! I barely even remember the definition of the word! On the contrary, I often feel overstretched and don't have time to take a breath.
I guess it's not a bad thing to have a lot of interests; it keeps life interesting! However, I need to work at doing one thing at a time, and keeping my priorities- such as being there for those who need me- ahead of my own selfish endeavors.
A quote that I've come to really appreciate in the last year is, "Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option." Wow, so true. Yet, how often have we done that? I was the worst at this in 2010- I basically committed all my free time to trying to please someone who put everyone and everything else ahead of me, and was completely sad and depressed that they didn't reciprocate the dedication. And now, as a consequence of me focusing all my free attention on him, I realize I not only put my close friends and family- who have been there for me through it all- on the back-burner, but I was also a depressing bummer to be around. I should have been focusing my energy on those that have, and will continue, to be there for me through thick and thin. This is not something I'm proud of. But, as all the cliches point out, hindsight is 20/20, and love is blind, and I have come to realize that those are both true. There's no point in dwelling, but rather use this as a learning experience to better myself with. Let's be honest- watching out for yourself and selflessness are two things that are really hard to balance. I have already started in small ways, but know I have a long way to go. I still have to figure out the key to making this machine work! Changing lifelong habits is no easy task, but I will try.
Here's to forward-thinking, and learning from our mistakes. I dedicate this blog to those I have only given 70% to... and my promise to work on being a better friend and person for them in the future.
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