Warning- this is not a happy blog. I need to vent, and then I will let it go and move on with my life.
I am just amazed at people sometimes... While it is always nice to be amazed in a GOOD way (and it definitely does happen), what I'm referring to today is in a not-so-good way. I am amazed at some people's ability to be incredibly selfish and uncaring, especially to those they are SUPPOSED to care about all in an effort of self-fulfillment.
Life really can be unfair sometimes... those that are completely undeserving get shit on pretty bad. And unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I will say, I KNOW this is for the better. I know that I would never do the things to others that some people throughout my life have done to me... so when they do these things, that is a sure sign that I need to get away from them. A blessing in disguise. Although it hurts, it's some divine intervention's way of saying, "Hey- here is your 'friend's' true colors. Do you really want them in your life at all?" And the answer is, simply, "no." I have plenty of awesome, caring people in my life that I can take a couple of losses on the ones that aren't deserving. I don't need that negative karma around me. And I can certainly do without the drama too, thank you.
The fact of the matter is, even though I realize I am better off without these types, it still really stings. It hurts to know there are people out there who can so easily disregard your feelings and your friendship when you think they actually care. I will never understand these types. The thought of knowingly hurting those close to me is unfathomable... the guilt would haunt me. I honor good friends and decent hearts enough not to go there.
So with that... I am done venting. I am purging the negative people and events to move onto bigger and better things. They can fester in their bad karma as far as I'm concerned.
Whew... ok. That is better. Anger aside- now I will continue to move forward.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Life is What You Make of It
As I'm moving forward in my life and making changes, reflecting comes naturally. Please excuse me for being all philosophical these days, but I think we all have periods in our lives, usually those of transition and change, that naturally push us to reflect. It's part of our natural progression- of each one of our opportunities to learn, grow and become better people. Some embrace it, others simply dismiss it and go about their lives just as they did yesterday. I am an embracer.
Obviously, I needed to make changes in my life. I was not happy. I was in a rut. Things were not right, no matter how hard I tried... Well, I say "tried," but in retrospect, I was trying the wrong way. Instead of letting go and moving on, I was going against Einstein's advice, and doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It was only a matter of time before I would have to be ready to accept this reality, and no matter how difficult to make the transition, to leap out of my comfortable, yet painful, world to try something new. Plus- somewhere in the process of life, I lost a lot of my dreams, my ambitions, my drive... things I've always had. I needed to come out of my shell... again. I'm also coming to realize that periods of re-discovering oneself probably happens multiple times throughout each person's life. In my relatively short 28 years, I can think of probably 2 times I've gone through something similar.
So... back to my reflecting. My latest realization (I say realization, but it's not that I haven't thought of these things before. Rather, it's like an "Ah ha!!" moment where it just seems to click. You know what I mean?) is that life really is what you make of it. You choose your destination and your life journey from the choices you make. These include the leaps or chances you chose to take(or not).Do you chose to follow your gut, or stick in your comfort zone?...The people you choose to surround yourself with (they really do affect your mood and reflect in yourself)... The attitude you chose to have- I like to think it's true that a positive outlook will inspire positive results (even with setbacks)... The actions you choose to make, especially when they affect other people (Selflessness really does go a long way. And karma is a bitch)... etc, etc, etc. You get the idea. You design your own destination.
If you are happy sitting in your comfortable yet unsatisfying job, staying in the same dead end relationship and doing the same thing day in and day out, then by all means, keep doing it. But you only live once, so why not make the best of it? Go the extra mile... surround yourself with awesome people, adopt a healthy attitude and lifestyle, do little things that will make you happy, let go of the things that are holding you back or not serving you, and take the chances. What have you got to lose, after all?
I am finally starting to see the bright side again and am using this transitional period to make changes, follow my dreams and take chances. And although the pain still shows it's face, I am adopting a few philosophies. For instance, the reality is that in life, bad things happen to good people. It's unavoidable- you can't control the actions of others or outside circumstances. You can however, control your reactions to the situation, and therefore, the end outcome. You can either try to learn the lesson and make the best of it, even though it's difficult at times, or suffer through the pain indefinitely. Sometimes I think you have to dwell in the painful stage for a while in order to realize that, unfortunately (but hopefully the lesson will stick for a while). Something to keep in mind, though...a wise man once told me that sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along!
There's something for you to chew on.
Happy hump day, ya'll!
Obviously, I needed to make changes in my life. I was not happy. I was in a rut. Things were not right, no matter how hard I tried... Well, I say "tried," but in retrospect, I was trying the wrong way. Instead of letting go and moving on, I was going against Einstein's advice, and doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It was only a matter of time before I would have to be ready to accept this reality, and no matter how difficult to make the transition, to leap out of my comfortable, yet painful, world to try something new. Plus- somewhere in the process of life, I lost a lot of my dreams, my ambitions, my drive... things I've always had. I needed to come out of my shell... again. I'm also coming to realize that periods of re-discovering oneself probably happens multiple times throughout each person's life. In my relatively short 28 years, I can think of probably 2 times I've gone through something similar.
So... back to my reflecting. My latest realization (I say realization, but it's not that I haven't thought of these things before. Rather, it's like an "Ah ha!!" moment where it just seems to click. You know what I mean?) is that life really is what you make of it. You choose your destination and your life journey from the choices you make. These include the leaps or chances you chose to take(or not).Do you chose to follow your gut, or stick in your comfort zone?...The people you choose to surround yourself with (they really do affect your mood and reflect in yourself)... The attitude you chose to have- I like to think it's true that a positive outlook will inspire positive results (even with setbacks)... The actions you choose to make, especially when they affect other people (Selflessness really does go a long way. And karma is a bitch)... etc, etc, etc. You get the idea. You design your own destination.
If you are happy sitting in your comfortable yet unsatisfying job, staying in the same dead end relationship and doing the same thing day in and day out, then by all means, keep doing it. But you only live once, so why not make the best of it? Go the extra mile... surround yourself with awesome people, adopt a healthy attitude and lifestyle, do little things that will make you happy, let go of the things that are holding you back or not serving you, and take the chances. What have you got to lose, after all?
I am finally starting to see the bright side again and am using this transitional period to make changes, follow my dreams and take chances. And although the pain still shows it's face, I am adopting a few philosophies. For instance, the reality is that in life, bad things happen to good people. It's unavoidable- you can't control the actions of others or outside circumstances. You can however, control your reactions to the situation, and therefore, the end outcome. You can either try to learn the lesson and make the best of it, even though it's difficult at times, or suffer through the pain indefinitely. Sometimes I think you have to dwell in the painful stage for a while in order to realize that, unfortunately (but hopefully the lesson will stick for a while). Something to keep in mind, though...a wise man once told me that sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along!
There's something for you to chew on.
Happy hump day, ya'll!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Some Perspective.
Although we* all have our different ways of dealing with things, when experiencing a difficult emotional ordeal, the same basic healing steps/feelings/emotions exist. Some might deal with them better (or worse) than others, some might push them aside for the time being (although they will surely arise later down the road) and we all run on a different time-line during the process, but the fact is, it is hard, even debilitating at times, to get through it.
I've noticed that difficult periods typically force people to reflect on themselves... the good, the bad and the ugly. But more than anything, the bad and ugly are what we often focus on (at least at the beginning of the healing process). We are probably harder on ourselves than ever, even though this is the time to be compassionate. In addition to the inner turmoil we are already experiencing, our self-esteem and confidence takes a blow. No wonder it's so hard to bounce back!
One of my not-so-good qualities that I have been forced to face is my tendency to dwell... and if you've read my previous posts, this fits right in with my inability to let-go, and not live in the present. If something is bothering me, it plays over and over again in my head and drives me nuts at times. This forces me to constantly relive the pain I am feeling, and not enjoy all the lovely things and people around me to their fullest.
However, I am taking this opportunity to try to shift my mindset. When I start to dwell and get lost in thoughts, I am beginning to work on simply acknowledging it, and shifting my head instead to the positives in my life and the potential of what the future holds. While I don't want to rely on dreams of a future that may or may not happen, at this point, it's good for me to concentrate on this rather than dwelling in past and present situations.
That being said, I am going to list a few things that I am grateful for and things I have to look forward to as a little reminder for me when my mind starts to slip.
-My AMAZING friends! I know I've said it before, but they have really been coming through for me when I need it the most. They have been there to comfort me, listen to the same things over and over again, cheer me up, make me laugh, offer advice... even just giving me their company... whatever it is I need. It seems like just when I need it most someone reminds me that I have things to offer the world, that I mean something to them, that I am important and loved... and BEING loved is just as important as loving, so that is extremely comforting to know! I really am amazed by them every day, and can only dream that I'll have the opportunity to return the favor to them in their times of need.
-My cooler-than-ever family. Even though they live far away and we don't talk nearly enough, thinking of them makes me happy. My mom is there for me whenever I need it, my brothers and sisters make me laugh, my nieces and nephews bring smiles to my face. They love me unconditionally, as I do them, and I am one fortunate lady.
-New friends- Lots of unexpected people have come forward to offer support (sometimes they need a little too) and offer perspective. Sometimes good things DO come out of bad situations!
-Future prospects! From farming to the peace corp, I have some exciting things brewing that will be super awesome and change my life. :)
-Sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along, as a wise man told me. So perhaps this rough patch is meant so I CAN experience better things. Hurray to that!
And by the way, this doesn't mean I never enjoy the time with my friends... just that I have periods of dwelling, more often when I'm alone with my thoughts. Today, for example was a really awesome day with really great people, filled with laughs and love, that helped to bring a little perspective...
You know, things aren't really all that bad after all. I have friends. I'm alive. I will survive.
(* Note: By "we", I obviously mean, "I," in this case. I am simply making an assumption that a lot of people experience similar feelings in these types of situations.)
I've noticed that difficult periods typically force people to reflect on themselves... the good, the bad and the ugly. But more than anything, the bad and ugly are what we often focus on (at least at the beginning of the healing process). We are probably harder on ourselves than ever, even though this is the time to be compassionate. In addition to the inner turmoil we are already experiencing, our self-esteem and confidence takes a blow. No wonder it's so hard to bounce back!
One of my not-so-good qualities that I have been forced to face is my tendency to dwell... and if you've read my previous posts, this fits right in with my inability to let-go, and not live in the present. If something is bothering me, it plays over and over again in my head and drives me nuts at times. This forces me to constantly relive the pain I am feeling, and not enjoy all the lovely things and people around me to their fullest.
However, I am taking this opportunity to try to shift my mindset. When I start to dwell and get lost in thoughts, I am beginning to work on simply acknowledging it, and shifting my head instead to the positives in my life and the potential of what the future holds. While I don't want to rely on dreams of a future that may or may not happen, at this point, it's good for me to concentrate on this rather than dwelling in past and present situations.
That being said, I am going to list a few things that I am grateful for and things I have to look forward to as a little reminder for me when my mind starts to slip.
-My AMAZING friends! I know I've said it before, but they have really been coming through for me when I need it the most. They have been there to comfort me, listen to the same things over and over again, cheer me up, make me laugh, offer advice... even just giving me their company... whatever it is I need. It seems like just when I need it most someone reminds me that I have things to offer the world, that I mean something to them, that I am important and loved... and BEING loved is just as important as loving, so that is extremely comforting to know! I really am amazed by them every day, and can only dream that I'll have the opportunity to return the favor to them in their times of need.
-My cooler-than-ever family. Even though they live far away and we don't talk nearly enough, thinking of them makes me happy. My mom is there for me whenever I need it, my brothers and sisters make me laugh, my nieces and nephews bring smiles to my face. They love me unconditionally, as I do them, and I am one fortunate lady.
-New friends- Lots of unexpected people have come forward to offer support (sometimes they need a little too) and offer perspective. Sometimes good things DO come out of bad situations!
-Future prospects! From farming to the peace corp, I have some exciting things brewing that will be super awesome and change my life. :)
-Sometimes bad things happen so better things can come along, as a wise man told me. So perhaps this rough patch is meant so I CAN experience better things. Hurray to that!
And by the way, this doesn't mean I never enjoy the time with my friends... just that I have periods of dwelling, more often when I'm alone with my thoughts. Today, for example was a really awesome day with really great people, filled with laughs and love, that helped to bring a little perspective...
You know, things aren't really all that bad after all. I have friends. I'm alive. I will survive.
(* Note: By "we", I obviously mean, "I," in this case. I am simply making an assumption that a lot of people experience similar feelings in these types of situations.)
Friday, January 7, 2011
A little stumble...
Yesterday was a bad day. I felt like I had been doing so well at moving forward, and after a series of (not-so-big) events, a ton of feelings and despair came crashing back in just like that... To say the least, it was very frustrating. I mean, I've been working hard to pull things together and get back on track. Things have been looking up! Why, after a few little incidents, did I come back down so easily??
My friends have been reminding me recently that I'm not very good at dealing with failure (who is?). I am somewhat of a perfectionist... and yesterday was a failure of a day in my eyes. So, it's obvious this is a quality I need to try to work on.
I admit that I can be hard on myself. Today, I am kicking myself for my set-backs and actions yesterday. For reverting back to old habits I have been working hard to kill. I admit, I know beating myself up isn't healthy, and is probably only making things worse.
I know I can and will get through it. It is just a long drawn-out process that is bound to have stumbles along the way. Instead of dwelling on my stumble, I should instead be using today as a new day to dust off and pick myself back up. Yesterday is the past, after all. I need to accept that there will be roadblocks in my journey... Why is forgiving myself so difficult? It all makes so much sense in my head! If only changing our old habits overnight were an actual reality. :)
If I don't love and care for myself, who will? I mean, yes, I have people who are always there for me, even during this needy time, which I know isn't easy (THANK YOU!). But ultimately, I have to be the one to love and believe in myself in order to move forward in my life. True story.
So... this brings me to another topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. Human emotions. They are such an interesting thing. I find it so intriguing how QUICKLY our mood and emotions can change, from one day, one moment or one week to the next. You can have the worst day of your life, and the next day be the best. I have had many days full of ups and downs. One moment, I feel completely defeated... and within an hour I feel completely empowered. Isn't that amazing??
Something I've come to realize this year is that NOTHING is constant. That is both refreshing and terrifying at the same time. The good thing about this is that when I, or you, or whoever has a down moment, it's soothing to realize that it will pass. Nothing is constant, and the human psyche is no exception. On the other hand, it is terrifying because, unfortunately, the good times and good emotions will ebb and flow as well. And if nothing is constant, how do you find an anchor?
For now, I am embracing the good side of nothing being constant. It is a good reminder to me that even though I have a bad day, or if now I am having a difficult time, to be cliche, "This too shall pass." In a year, I will look back at this and say, "Wow, that was quite a ride!" Not to say that I won't still be dealing with parts of it, but it is bound to be better. I will be in a completely different phase in life with a whole new set of challenges. But that's okay. Part of this exercise now is learning how to move more gracefully through those!
So with that, my friends, I conclude my thoughts for now. Yesterday is yesterday. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Those, I can't control! But, I can do my best to make today the best it can be. Here's to a new day and to nothing being constant.
My friends have been reminding me recently that I'm not very good at dealing with failure (who is?). I am somewhat of a perfectionist... and yesterday was a failure of a day in my eyes. So, it's obvious this is a quality I need to try to work on.
I admit that I can be hard on myself. Today, I am kicking myself for my set-backs and actions yesterday. For reverting back to old habits I have been working hard to kill. I admit, I know beating myself up isn't healthy, and is probably only making things worse.
I know I can and will get through it. It is just a long drawn-out process that is bound to have stumbles along the way. Instead of dwelling on my stumble, I should instead be using today as a new day to dust off and pick myself back up. Yesterday is the past, after all. I need to accept that there will be roadblocks in my journey... Why is forgiving myself so difficult? It all makes so much sense in my head! If only changing our old habits overnight were an actual reality. :)
If I don't love and care for myself, who will? I mean, yes, I have people who are always there for me, even during this needy time, which I know isn't easy (THANK YOU!). But ultimately, I have to be the one to love and believe in myself in order to move forward in my life. True story.
So... this brings me to another topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. Human emotions. They are such an interesting thing. I find it so intriguing how QUICKLY our mood and emotions can change, from one day, one moment or one week to the next. You can have the worst day of your life, and the next day be the best. I have had many days full of ups and downs. One moment, I feel completely defeated... and within an hour I feel completely empowered. Isn't that amazing??
Something I've come to realize this year is that NOTHING is constant. That is both refreshing and terrifying at the same time. The good thing about this is that when I, or you, or whoever has a down moment, it's soothing to realize that it will pass. Nothing is constant, and the human psyche is no exception. On the other hand, it is terrifying because, unfortunately, the good times and good emotions will ebb and flow as well. And if nothing is constant, how do you find an anchor?
For now, I am embracing the good side of nothing being constant. It is a good reminder to me that even though I have a bad day, or if now I am having a difficult time, to be cliche, "This too shall pass." In a year, I will look back at this and say, "Wow, that was quite a ride!" Not to say that I won't still be dealing with parts of it, but it is bound to be better. I will be in a completely different phase in life with a whole new set of challenges. But that's okay. Part of this exercise now is learning how to move more gracefully through those!
So with that, my friends, I conclude my thoughts for now. Yesterday is yesterday. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Those, I can't control! But, I can do my best to make today the best it can be. Here's to a new day and to nothing being constant.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Screw New Year's Resolutions...
they inevitably fail. Okay... not inevitably. But most of the time. They're typically just something the person WISHES they could do, but aren't really ready to take the steps to follow through with (or they would have done it before the New Year).
This year, I have GOALS for 2011.These are not some unobtainable things I want because it's a new year, but rather because this is a new PHASE in my life, which happens to coincide with a new year. 2010 was crappy anyway, so I may as well use the beginning of 2011 as a benchmark for new beginnings.
Some are for personal growth. Some are for professional growth. Some are just things I want to do more in general... but all-in-all, these goals are meant to help achieve one ultimate objective... to be HAPPY! I can't think of a better reason to have goals.
LEAH'S GOALS FOR 2011:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while.
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind.
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again.
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;)
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair.
While there may be others, I'll limit this list to 10 objectives for now. After all, I want to keep it realistic, which I totally think all of these are. And they compliment each other nicely!
Otherwise, an update on me: I am feeling stronger all the time, despite my good and bad days/moments and am slowly gaining confidence in myself again. I am getting more and more excited about all the possible directions I can go in my life...Nothing is holding me back from reaching for my dreams! That is pretty awesome... This is undoubtedly going to be a year of change and growth for me, and I am beginning to embrace that.
Happy 2011 to all of you! Skip the resolutions...Maybe it's your time to put down some of your goals for the new year, too. :)
This year, I have GOALS for 2011.These are not some unobtainable things I want because it's a new year, but rather because this is a new PHASE in my life, which happens to coincide with a new year. 2010 was crappy anyway, so I may as well use the beginning of 2011 as a benchmark for new beginnings.
Some are for personal growth. Some are for professional growth. Some are just things I want to do more in general... but all-in-all, these goals are meant to help achieve one ultimate objective... to be HAPPY! I can't think of a better reason to have goals.
LEAH'S GOALS FOR 2011:
1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while.
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind.
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS- Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY- Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again.
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;)
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair.
While there may be others, I'll limit this list to 10 objectives for now. After all, I want to keep it realistic, which I totally think all of these are. And they compliment each other nicely!
Otherwise, an update on me: I am feeling stronger all the time, despite my good and bad days/moments and am slowly gaining confidence in myself again. I am getting more and more excited about all the possible directions I can go in my life...Nothing is holding me back from reaching for my dreams! That is pretty awesome... This is undoubtedly going to be a year of change and growth for me, and I am beginning to embrace that.
Happy 2011 to all of you! Skip the resolutions...Maybe it's your time to put down some of your goals for the new year, too. :)
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