A refresher course

Wow, it has been a while. Life has changed (when does it not?), but some things have stayed the same, almost to a fault. Unfortunately, I have found myself falling back on old habits and losing good ones, so I am hoping with the new year I can shift toward a new perspective in the direction of the life I want to lead.

I am lonely. I crave someone to wake up to, someone to hold, someone to be there for me on my really good, or really bad, days. I would love to have someone to love... but on that note, not just anyone to love. I want to meet someone that balances me out, a companion; hopefully a lifelong partner. I am 30 and single, albeit dating, but have not found that person I "click" with yet.

In the past year, I've been re-evaluating how exactly it is I've fallen into past relationships, and it's certainly affected my outlook on the future. You see, growing up, it was all based purely on attraction. There was no thought process as to if this person was right for me or not, and part of that is because I didn't KNOW what was right for me. I mean, I was still learning about myself, after all. But, thanks to those relationships and growing up, I think I've carved out a fairly good picture of what I think I need, or don't need, in a future relationship in order to be successful. No surprise, I made a list. Ha.

Things I want in a man

•      Considerate 
•       Fun/funny
•       Responsible
•       Active/likes to go out and do stuff
•       Makes me feel special; does and says nice things
•       Likes food and open to trying new things
•       Respects me and my opinion
•       Appreciates culture
•       Has a steady job; hard-working; not a mooch
•          Has a positive outlook on life
•          Generally- brings out the best in me

      I guess the biggest difference between the Leah of now and the Leah of the past is that I refuse to react purely on emotion and attraction anymore. If you can't meet my core needs, then I'm sorry- I must move on. Of course, I'm not looking for any specific mold of a person and I do not expect perfection. I just want to be with someone that makes me happy and brings out the best of me, and I the same to them! If your idea of happiness is sitting on the couch and watching movies almost every day, then I will not be happy. If you cannot appreciate food, I will not be happy, because I need someone to share that huge part of my life with. If you don't make me feel good about myself, then I will not be happy, and in return, you will probably not be happy. 

      The other difference now is that I won't immediately dismiss the idea of a relationship if I don't feel immediate chemistry if they seem like a good fit. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I like the idea that if two people fit into the mold of a good partnership, that perhaps a love can grow out of that. I've heard it has happened to others, but this is a new concept to me. I'm willing to give it a try, although I admit I am weary. I am actually dating a guy like this now. He is perfect for me on so many levels and I really enjoy our time together, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I am trying, though.

      Besides the love front, I've fallen off the meditation/yoga bandwagon. The result= an over-thinking, stressified, tense mess-of-a-Leah. Maybe not to the naked eye, but I certainly notice the difference. I've also been drinking more than I care to admit. These things I need to change.

I     I haven't met as many people (read: friends I can call on a whim, people to vent to, hang out with, etc) as I would have liked, but largely this is because I was dating a somewhat anti-social man for almost half of my time here, which definitely had an effect. It's since been improving, so I hope to continue down that path.

      On a positive note, I'm signed up for classes in January! I'm taking Spanish, which aligns with my lifelong goal of speaking it fluently. I am super excited, but I also realize this will require me to make some adjustments in my life to allow for more time to study and concentrate, especially with how crazy my work schedule will be then. I'm hoping this is a good thing and will help me find the balance I'm looking for, while cutting down on the drinking.

      I'll keep it at this for now... With the holidays here, that damn loneliness seems to keep showing its face and I felt the need to get some of it out. Perhaps I'll do a nice New Years blog! Until then, may warmth and peace find you this holiday season!

B

Better Late Than Never!

Oi... it's been a while. Over a year, actually. That's a little disappointing! Oh well, shows how busy I've been. Lots of changes have happened. Let's rehash out the last year, in a nutshell... Took "me" time. Made lots of strides! Learned to meditate, did yoga, worked on a farm and managed a farmers market, got happy again! Moved five times (man, that was exhausting). Dated like a fiend. Stopped dating at all. Started dating again and found a boyfriend. Got a job in New Orleans. Moved for said job. Said relationship failed as a result... And now, I've been in NOLA for about a month and a half, working my job, hanging out with my BFF, trying to get healthy and find a new balance in life. Whew.

Since it's been a while, I think I'll first take a moment to reflect upon the 2011 goals I made for myself (remember those?) and see what I accomplished:

Leah's 2011 Goals:

1. BE SELFISH- I know this sounds bad, but I don't want you to misunderstand. I am a compassionate and understanding person, in general... but almost to a fault. A lot of the time I do things just to please others, no matter the pain, anguish or inconvenience it causes me. And that's a lot of what caused me end up where I am now. Screw that. I am done. Time to put Leah first for once. At least for a while. Yep, I think I did a pretty good job of this. I found happiness, so I think that is a pretty good indicator!
2. SIMPLIFY- Get rid of clutter and things I don't need. Get down to the bare minimum. Spend less. Pay off debt. Save more. This refers to things, people, situations... anything to unclutter my life and ultimately, my mind. I was doing great! Then the end of the year, job instability and moving occurred... Hello, more debt. :/
3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS-  Be okay with and accepting of the now, however it is. Meditate and do yoga regularly. WAS doing great. Now, not so much... Fell off the bandwagon last fall. Haven't found a yoga studio I really like here, although I have gone on multiple occassions. Working on the meditation piece. It was a good addition to my life.
4. APPRECIATE WHO AND WHAT I HAVE- Especially all the awesome people in my life- my amazing friends and family. Remind them how much I love them through actions and words. Although this may seem contradicting to my selfishness, it's really not... these people are understanding of the things I need to do to better myself and will probably only encourage me to do them. Those who have and will be there for me, I will always do the same for them! I hope I did a good job of this... I really do love and miss my friends and family!
5. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF- and honor them. These are things I need to do, no matter how difficult, because I know they will be healthier for myself in the end. I definitely got rid of a lot of baggage by doing this... so even though this is a constant struggle, I think I have been quite successful! I will continue this; it's a good reminder.
6. BELIEVE IN MYSELF- Focus on my positive qualities, work to improve the less-than-desirable, and know that I have the strength to accomplish anything I put my mind to. My self-confidence really improved this last year as a result of all my hard work. I think I've done a lot, but self-improvement is always at the forefront of my mind.
7. PICK UP A RANDOM HOBBY-  Something really fun I can do on a weekly basis to let loose and periodically give my mind a break. Some ideas include swing dancing lessons or picking up playing the viola again. Not too successful here... Although swing lessons are looking like more of a reality here in NOLA! I did go once!
8. READ MORE- I like reading. I learn stuff. Or laugh. Or heal. It's good, and I will do it more. I was... and fell off the bandwagon. Need to pick that back up. Oi.
9. WORK RANDOM JOBS- I've been in career mode for 5 years, and probably will be for the majority of the rest of my life. Instead of  making big career moves, I am going to use this year as a transitional period to do random jobs I've wanted to do, and may or may not have the chance to do again. Some things I'm looking into- working on a farm this summer or briefly stepping back into the restaurant scene. I've got other ideas too. ;) Did it! Worked on a farm!! And so happy I did. Now onto my career!!
10. BE LESS JUDGMENTAL- I think a lot of us are guilty of this, and I am no exception. I want to approach people and situations with the least amount of bias as possible. Who am I to judge, when I could so easily be judged myself? It's just not fair. Still a work in progress...

Overall, how did I do? Pretty good, I suppose... I met a lot of my goals, a lot are ongoing and a lot I fell off the bandwagon. This is a good reminder for me, though.

Now an update on my life, in general. Well, moving to New Orleans has definitely been a huge adjustment. The job, lifestyle, the lack of familiar faces (with the exception of my now-reunited BFF and her fiance), new climate, living alone FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER, new car-- all really big changes! All-in-all, things are good. Just different. I do miss my friends and RI a lot. I feel lonely sometimes (today is one of those days). Lonely in the sense of missing my friends, and lonely in the sense that I wouldn't mind having someone to share my life with. I mean, I'm almost 30 and single. I know a lot of us are in that boat, but I just can't help but reflect. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the right person, at the right time... I really would like to. The prospect of another long term (hopefully life-long) relationship is something I'm into more and more these days, I won't lie...

In the meantime, though, I am still working on me, enjoying my life whether it be alone or not. Let's be honest- there's a possibility that all of us will die alone.  That could be me. Not to sound morbid, because that's really not my point. My point is that all that I can control is MY life, so I need to continue to concentrate on that instead of the what and when-ifs.

Okay, enough on the relationship front. In other news, I still have a constant struggle finding balance in life. There is just not enough time in the day to accomplish all of the things I want to! I am, however, putting in a LOT more time on physically taking care of myself. I'm exercising fairly regularly and have lost over 5 pounds! It feels really great. Hoping to keep this trend going!

New Orleans is fun and I'm slowly starting to meet more people and expand my circle of friends, but it is going to take a while. Work is good, also. I am still really happy at my decision to move here and take the job. Things are behind in building the kitchen and I don't have an office which is a little annoying, but I am dealing with it and forging ahead!

I know this post is extremely vague, but I hope to continue on my blogging trend again soon with more specifics. Today I was just feeling the need to vent a little and have been reflecting on my changes, so it was necessary, vague or not. At least this is a start. :) I hope you are all well and if you are reading this, chances are I miss you dearly!

xoxo,

Leah