I am lonely. I crave someone to wake up to, someone to hold, someone to be there for me on my really good, or really bad, days. I would love to have someone to love... but on that note, not just anyone to love. I want to meet someone that balances me out, a companion; hopefully a lifelong partner. I am 30 and single, albeit dating, but have not found that person I "click" with yet.
In the past year, I've been re-evaluating how exactly it is I've fallen into past relationships, and it's certainly affected my outlook on the future. You see, growing up, it was all based purely on attraction. There was no thought process as to if this person was right for me or not, and part of that is because I didn't KNOW what was right for me. I mean, I was still learning about myself, after all. But, thanks to those relationships and growing up, I think I've carved out a fairly good picture of what I think I need, or don't need, in a future relationship in order to be successful. No surprise, I made a list. Ha.
Things I want in a man
- Considerate
- Fun/funny
- Responsible
- Active/likes to go out and do stuff
- Makes me feel special; does and says nice things
- Likes food and open to trying new things
- Respects me and my opinion
- Appreciates culture
- Has a steady job; hard-working; not a mooch
- Has a positive outlook on life
- Generally- brings out the best in me
I guess the biggest difference between the Leah of now and the Leah of the past is that I refuse to react purely on emotion and attraction anymore. If you can't meet my core needs, then I'm sorry- I must move on. Of course, I'm not looking for any specific mold of a person and I do not expect perfection. I just want to be with someone that makes me happy and brings out the best of me, and I the same to them! If your idea of happiness is sitting on the couch and watching movies almost every day, then I will not be happy. If you cannot appreciate food, I will not be happy, because I need someone to share that huge part of my life with. If you don't make me feel good about myself, then I will not be happy, and in return, you will probably not be happy.
The other difference now is that I won't immediately dismiss the idea of a relationship if I don't feel immediate chemistry if they seem like a good fit. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I like the idea that if two people fit into the mold of a good partnership, that perhaps a love can grow out of that. I've heard it has happened to others, but this is a new concept to me. I'm willing to give it a try, although I admit I am weary. I am actually dating a guy like this now. He is perfect for me on so many levels and I really enjoy our time together, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I am trying, though.
Besides the love front, I've fallen off the meditation/yoga bandwagon. The result= an over-thinking, stressified, tense mess-of-a-Leah. Maybe not to the naked eye, but I certainly notice the difference. I've also been drinking more than I care to admit. These things I need to change.
I I haven't met as many people (read: friends I can call on a whim, people to vent to, hang out with, etc) as I would have liked, but largely this is because I was dating a somewhat anti-social man for almost half of my time here, which definitely had an effect. It's since been improving, so I hope to continue down that path.
On a positive note, I'm signed up for classes in January! I'm taking Spanish, which aligns with my lifelong goal of speaking it fluently. I am super excited, but I also realize this will require me to make some adjustments in my life to allow for more time to study and concentrate, especially with how crazy my work schedule will be then. I'm hoping this is a good thing and will help me find the balance I'm looking for, while cutting down on the drinking.
I'll keep it at this for now... With the holidays here, that damn loneliness seems to keep showing its face and I felt the need to get some of it out. Perhaps I'll do a nice New Years blog! Until then, may warmth and peace find you this holiday season!
B
