Here we go again.

It's been a kinda' crazy few months... Sadness mixed with euphoria and confusion.

First, I lost my dog. Ultimately, his kidneys failed; he was only 3 years old. He was sickly since I first got him, and I did my best to make him healthy and comfortable, but it was just beyond my control. It was, and continues to be, really sad and hard on me. It is also difficult as I got stuck with massive medical bills from this and his previous visits, which I'll be paying for months to come.

As that was happening, I was meeting a new man and falling hard. He helped me cope with Tchoups' loss and gave me something positive to focus on, for which I was incredibly thankful. He seemed amazing, to have all the qualities I want in a man and never seem to find, and he liked me too; almost too good to be true.

Fast forward 3 months. Not long in the time spectrum, but I think I've fallen in love with this man. Too good to be true? Yeah, most likely. Likely breaking up right now, but I'm just waiting while he sorts his thoughts. Heart aching and breaking. Can't sleep, can't eat, feel horrible. Here we go again. Breaking up is hard to do, and being rejected is a terrible blow to one's self-esteem.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to be stronger and not let my self-worth be determined by others. I want to sleep. I want to be happy. I want to be in control of myself.

I am feeling the loss of Tchoups more now that I don't have a distraction, or a dog to focus on or cuddle with during my sadness. I miss him so much. Doubled with the (potential) breakup and hurt I'm feeling, I am having a hard time. I'm sad and feel alone. I have a wretched feeling I can't get to go away in the pit of my stomach.

But this time I am going to learn from my mistakes. I will not allow this to draw out. I will not let my emotions control me, but instead let them take their course and deal with it. I will cut contact completely if we break up. If we don't break up, I will not allow myself to be sold short or walked all over. I will take control of this situation and myself, no matter how much it sucks, because I need to love myself above anyone else.

Other things I will do:

I will continue to exercise, and even do so more.
I will study for my RD exam.
I will excel at work.
I will seek out new friends with healthy lifestyles.
I will finally get my bedroom livable and organized.
I will work on meditation again.
I will live my life one day at a time and not look back or dwell.
I will work on paying my debt, and eventually get a new dog.