The holidays have been a little tough. Don't get me wrong- it has been WONDERFUL spending time with my family... and if I didn't have them near me, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through. But not sharing these moments with the person I love and am accustomed to sharing them with has left a void to some extent... but let's be honest here... I always feel the void. Some times are just worse than others.
One of my biggest challenges in this thus far has been letting go. I've realized I'm really bad at it. I'm bad at letting go of people. Of letting go of notions of what my life was going to or is supposed to be like. Letting go of feeling like I'm able to have CONTROL over all the outcomes in my life (more on this later). I suck at letting go. I realize this is something I need to work on, and believe me, I am trying!! But it is really difficult for me. I have a long way to go.
I suppose one of the good things that I've accomplished is accepting that I HAVE to let go in order to find peace and happiness in my life again. It's not an option. So, I am taking steps to do that and have been fairly successful in keeping promises I've made to myself to get there. I suppose that if I keep it up, my efforts will eventually pay off, and this will get easier.
Along with letting go, I have realized what a control freak I am... not having control over the outcomes in my life, over my thought patterns and over my emotions has been a huge hurdle. I find that not having control of other people and their actions has also made my imagination run rampid... my head is filled with "what-if" scenarios of things that could, or could not happen. So, instead of taking things as they come, one-step-at-a-time, I am really only causing more pain and angst than necessary in my own life by living moments before they even happen...
Instead of dwelling in these moments too long, I have been trying to take that time instead to reflect on all the things I have gratitude for in my life, and remind myself that no matter how tough times are right now (or how much better or worse they'll get in the meantime), life will go on. Things will eventually get easier, and my life will get some kind of feeling of normalcy to it again. Who knows how long this will take... but someday it will happen.
So, for now, I am just treading along, getting through each day. Allowing myself to feel the pain, but trying not to dwell TOO long on it, and taking steps to break the old patterns that have been hindering me from moving on. I am trying to change my thought patterns through repetition, and striving to make more changes that will make the load a little lighter on my journey. I'll keep you updated. ;)
In the meantime, my friends (and family)... I appreciate all your support, company, listening to me and words of encouragement. Really, it means the world to me. You guys are what keep me going through the really tough moments! Please keep it coming! And if you ever need a shoulder... know that I'll be there. :)
I hope you all had a very joyous holiday and have a wonderful entrance into 2011.
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