30 & Lonely

Yet another one bites the dust... Today marks the end of another relationship; a man I care deeply for, but it is not our time, nor do I know if it will ever be. We have marked differences, and they definitely put strain on our relationship, yet I still enjoyed the time of laughing, of sharing, of being cared for and about. Someone to sleep next to, to cuddle, to help me when I need it. Someone to lean on... God, that is so nice.

So even though I know this is for the better, here I am crying over the loss and heartache. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to brush off my feelings, to accept it for what it is and move on. But no, it still stings. I feel. I can't help it.

I am almost 31 and as single as they come. I feel like I am becoming part of the never-ending dating pool. Everyone around me is in love, married, with kids, yet I have yet to find Mr. Right. How does a 30-year-old perfectly eligible single woman get to this point? What sets me apart from all those others finding their happily-ever-after? Am I doing something wrong?

Of course, that's a rhetorical question, although it does seem unfair at times. Some people from the outside may assume that I choose this lifestyle. And while I can get along pretty well as a single woman, and even exude confidence and embrace my independence, I would prefer the alternative. I am ready for a lasting relationship and to consider a family. I am ready to love someone fully, to be loved back, and to share our life's ups and downs with each other. I yearn for that.

But, I also want it to be right. I don't want to settle for Mr. Okay. I don't expect perfection, but I have some basic needs I would like fulfilled and to be with someone who I get along with at least 80% of the time. I also want some spark between us. I want to stick with this person, through thick and thin. I want it to last. As I get older, I more-and-more doubt this person exists. The man I am looking for is surely already taken, in love and happy somewhere else. Or, not near me. I may never meet this man, as timing is everything, and to this day it has not been on my side.

There's also a pressure as you are in your thirties of a family. What if I do want a family? My biological clock is ticking. It could be years, if ever, before I meet this person, and it may be too late. I'm not even positive I want that, but I might, and I want the option, ya' know?

There's really not a point to this blog except to get it off my chest. I am 30, I am lonely, and I am not feeling so hopeful. I know the right thing to do is to keep concentrating on myself, and I am trying, but no matter what that nagging feeling of emptiness, like something/someone is missing from my life, is constantly showing it's face no matter how much I try to deny it.

Oh well. Life will continue, with or without a companion. At least there's Tchoups, my furry four-legged companion!